I should write a book but I blog instead

Insomnia at 800 months prego

2011-08-04T00:03:00.000-07:00

No, seriously...I feel like I've been pregnant for that long. But I guess that's what happens when you find out you're prego 2 weeks in. You would think that, at this point in my pregnancy, I'd be COMPLETELY exhausted and want to sleep all the time. NOPE. The past few nights have been pretty crappy for sleep. Whatev...things could be worse...I mean, after all it is Shark Week so at least I have something to watch when I can't sleep. Lets play a little catch up, shall we:

It's been forev, I know
We're having a girl and her name is Willa
I directed Les Mis this summer, and show week was one of the hottest weeks on record...in a high school auditorium with NO AIR CONDITIONING
London is 7 for craps sake
Yes, my boobs are getting bigger
I keep having dreams about delivering Willa, she always has tons of black hair
WE WILL BE IN THE NEW HOUSE BEFORE THE BABY IS BORN...damnit...
I have baby feet in my ribs right now
I'm working at an autobody shop up the street...meh...
Peeing all the time is getting SUPER annoying
I'm not really sure how to get my pitbull pup to stop sleeping in between me and bobby after the baby comes
Me and London started reading Harry Potter, and by that I mean I've read 175 pgs in the first book and she has read 4
We're doing Guys & Dolls next summer
I'm chubby
Maternity bathing suits are STUPID and mostly ugly
I wonder if anyone will read this blog post, please comment if you do
London told me tonight that she hates Justin Bieber now because his haircut is stupid
Here's a belly pic:

I think I'm winning ;)

Guess What???

2011-02-02T21:18:00.000-08:00

This chick is finally prego!! It's about goddamn time, right? Ok, so that's the good news...the bad news is that I'm not due until the beginning of October, and that's REALLY far a way. We're super excited! You know what's not super exciting? Pregnancy related insomnia. That fucking blows.

For the past 2 nights I have been pretty much unable to get comfortable in my bed. I tried reading my book for a little while. Then checking everyone's facebook status. Then catching up on twitter. Last but not least, I played puzzle gems on my iPhone for a while. This last one almost always works for me...but no dice.

So here I sit. Very happy to be pregnant, but super pissed to not be sleeping. And, seriously, like 4 days ago, all I wanted to do was sleep. I was exhausted all the time. Oh the things we mothers go thru for our children...

You question my "Craptastic Luck"? Well this one's for you...

2011-01-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

Slacker = ME. Hopefully this little gem of a story will make up for how long it's been since I posted last...

Here's what we already know:

my blood pressure is ridic
I recently quit smoking
I want to be prego
my cardiologist is ADORABLE (oh...didn't I mention? It's irrelevant really)
I have a cervix that does not want to cooperate

Like a month and a half ago I had a few Dr's appt's scheduled. I was scheduled for a blood pressure check, a sonogram on my heart (EKG), and a super gross ob/gyn procedure. Let me paint you a little picture...

My lovely little Arianne works at my ob/gyn and the reason we scheduled the appt when we did was because of my stupid period. Because I have been sooooo regular (you know...menstrually) lately, we planned this appointment to be a week after my period was supposed to begin. It was a good idea at the time, right?

Cut to the week before the appointment. Monday: didn't get my period. Tuesday: didn't get my period. Wednesday: didn't get my period. You get the idea. Arianne and I discussed this during the week and the weekend. When Monday rolled around and I still wasn't bleeding, I called Arianne and she told me that the Dr wanted me to take a prego test before we did the procedure. This made sense to me...since I was a week late after I had been sooo regular. OMG...I COULD BE PREGO RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. Holy balls.

Lets analyze this for a second. I've been SUPER regular for the past several months. I'm talking...REGULAR...like to the day. So this feels kind of like the real deal. I mean, I'm currently a week late. A WHOLE WEEK. I haven't even been a day late in the past 4 months. Ok, calm yourself Tara Lynn. So I head over to Arianne's office. The girls in the front office know that I'm a retard and take me back to Arianne. I sit down, and we shoot the shit for a few minutes, then she hands me the pee cup. ALL OF A SUDDEN...shit gets real. Ok. I can do this. Just pee. I pee ALL THE DAMN TIME. I can do this. So we start walking to the bathroom. As a joke, I say, "wouldn't it be HILARIOUS if just as I sit down to take the prego test I get my period?!" To which Arianne says something to the effect of, I'll punch you in the face. Yeah.

I take that cup and strut into the bathroom...with 'tude. I've been waiting for like an hour and a half to pee. I've got this. My biggest concern is peeing too much in the cup, since I've been waiting a while to pee.

Ok. I think that's enough pee in the cup...let's not over-do it. Now I'm rushing, because I want to get the cup out to Arianne so she can take it and test it. I WHIP the cup up to put the lid on it and hand it off. This is the moment that I glance at the cup...and notice what's floating in it.

REALLY?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Little flecks of reddish things floating around in it. REALLY?! This floors me. Then I remember...HEY TAR, WIPE. I wipe, and it comes up RED.

To sum up...I didn't get my period until I was taking a pregnancy test at the ob/gyn's office. SERIOUSLY. Would this happen to anyone other than me? I don't think so.

Oh, BTW, happy friggin new year bitches.

Testing the waters...

2011-01-12T06:31:00.000-08:00

Anybody there? Anybody still read this poorly maintained blog of mine? I finally have a free minute and got our internet fixed. Maybe I should post something...or am I the only one who remembers this blog is here?

My Name is Tara Mitchell...and I am a NON-SMOKER

2010-10-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

Could it be true? How is this possible? Well I'll tell you...

I had a checkup with my regular doctor...because I'm an old lady and have been on blood pressure meds since college. Surprise surprise...my BP was up. Like...really high. Like...my Dr was worried I would stroke out. Whatev. Now me and the hubby are trying to get prego...we know this. Here's what my Dr told me, "A fetus can not survive in your body right now." I swear...word for word. Wow. Reality check. So in order to get my body all ready for babytime I had to quit smoking and cut out salt. SALT!! I love salty things. But I'd trade salt for a baby...and I did.

I said to my Dr...FINE...I'll quit smoking, but I'm gonna need some prescription assistance. First he prescribed Channtix...but my stupid insurance wouldn't cover it and it would have cost me $160...EFF THAT NOISE. So I emailed the Dr office and they changed it to a patch. They are pretty expensive too, but beggars can't be choosers I guess. Got the patch and slapped it on. I'm proud to say that I haven't had a smoke since October 8 at about 11:00am. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL.

What's up Twitter?!

2010-10-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

Yup, started a twitter account yesterday. Follow my ass (taramitchell01)...and comment on junk PLEASE...I feel like a loser.

How bored am I...

2010-09-16T20:59:00.000-07:00

Well I'll tell you how bored I am right now...I'm watching ANACONDA...that's how friggin bored I am. It's my own damn fault...I thought it would be a great idea to take a nappy today, and now I can't sleep. There's friggin NOTHING on tv right now...except for Anaconda. Do you people realize how terrible this movie is? The special effects are laughable at best. Jlo is TERRIBLE. Jon Voigt had to be struggling for work BIG TIME for him to take this role. I am somewhat enjoying Ice Cube though. Did you even know Eric Stoltz was in this movie? Or Owen Wilson? Well I didn't.

Here's the hilarious part. Snakes royally freak me out. I'm almost 30 years old for crap sake, but I can still have a good old fashioned snake nightmare. This movie is entirely about snakes, naturally you would think it would be something that I don't want to watch. But, literally, the snake is so hilariously fake that it's comedic.

Did I mention that Jennifer Lopez's ass is ENORMOUS? I mean, we all know that Jenny from the Block has a huge ass, but safari shorts do NOTHING for her.

Oh...and another thing...

2010-09-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

I want to learn how to knit stuff. My nana taught me how to knit when I was a kid and I liked it. I figure this will kill 2 birds with one stone...it'll give me a hobby, and keep me from spending money on stuff because I can try to make it myself. Aren't you proud of me?!

Now here's something to get excited about...Sons of Anarchy is on tonight!!! This is a BIG deal. Have you watched this show? If the answer is no, you're a retard and I hate you. Want to know the best part? I'm obsessed with the lead guy, Jacks, and guess what his girlfriends name is...yup, you guessed it, TARA. Hows' that for exciting? I may have blogged about this earlier but I can't friggin remember crap. SERIOUSLY...watch it. I think it's on at 10:00 EST on FX. Now do your homework kiddies so we can discuss this tomorrow...

2 blog posts in one day...can you stand it?!

Fucking Irritated

2010-09-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

So I typed up this whole long post about this super cute website that I discovered this morning and how I need to design tattoos for me and Bobby, and I was all ready to publish it and fucking BLOGSPOT took a HUGE crap and didn't save any of the post and promptly kicked me out. I thought, "Ok, well it usually saves every couple of seconds, maybe my post only lost like the last couple of sentences..."

NOPE, only saved the first effing paragraph. SERIOUSLY. Get it together blopspot...I'm annoyed...

Time for another random thoughts post...

2010-09-10T05:47:00.000-07:00

Zombieland is one of the most hilarious movies EVER. Watch it.

I'm going to be 30 in a few weeks...and I'm not happy about it.

FYI still not prego. My uterus hates me.

Yesterday I swept and mopped the floors and then Lola took a big crap in the living room. Was she waiting until I was done because she didn't want to bother me until I was in the tub and London screamed from the steps that there was poop downstairs? Bitch.

This is the story of my life, "We just hired someone else, but we'll give you a call if it doesn't work out."

Funny story about last night: I had a giftcard for Applebees from the lovely folks at Front & Centre Productions, so we decided to go out to eat last night. We had a delish meal and Bobby was digging thru his wallet for the gift card, pulls it out, and realizes that it's actually for Ruby Tuesday...not Applebees. Wow.

London and Bobby are playing in the Father Daughter golf tournament on sunday. How stinkin cute is that?!

I totally barfed in my Uncles front yard monday morning as me and London were leaving to get on the train to come home. Here's a little tip: don't chug an entire glass of ice water first thing in the morning after a night of beers and pong. Apparently really cold water doesn't like my stomach first thing in the morning. Totally embarrassing...

I am the tannest I have been since I went to Mexico in college

My chocolate lab HATES this time of year...it makes her skin really really itchy, and I feel bad for her

My pit-bull farts like a person

I consider myself a twilight fan...I went to see New Moon at midnight when it premiered, but I still haven't seen Eclipse.

I am getting really scared that I'm running out of Stephen King books to read. This is a problem. Mr King better be sitting at his computer writing another book right now...or I will be forced to start writing some letters...

Anybody want my cat? She's cute and cuddly but she pees on stuff.

I HATE removing my eye makeup. It burns my eyes and makes me angry. I totally leave it on until the next time I shower.

My Aunt Mary peed her pants twice while I was visiting my Uncle. She laughs so hard she pisses herself. This is my godmother.

I will be directing A Christmas Carol the weekend before Christmas. I hope people audition for it.

I'm annoyed that my back hurts right now because that usually means that I'm getting my period. GOD DAMN UTERUS.

London is officially a 1st grader. Seriously?! Wasn't she born like 3 days ago?

Ok...I think that's enough. Happy Friday everyone...and SUCK IT.

I played 18 holes of golf...no...seriously

2010-09-07T08:21:00.000-07:00

Can you just picture it? Moi? Golfing? It totally happened. Here's how it went down...

Last year my soon to be hubby and I were scheduled to play in the husband and wife golf tournament at the country club. I was a little excited, I have to admit. I had never golfed before, but I was promised a rowdy good time filled with beers and hilariousness. Seriously, beers? I'm totally in. I think we were one of the last couples to sign up....but whatev.

Well...funny story...the friday before we were supposed to play last year, I biffed it on the sidewalk while walking my baby pitt and friggin broke my shoulder. I blogged about the incident way back in the day. You can check it out here. Needless to say, I wasn't able to play last year. So we signed up this year...and I steered clear of flip flops, rain and our sidewalk to make sure I didn't miss it this time around.

A bunch of our friends were also playing in the tournament, and I was super excited to hang out with them, whiff a bunch of drives, drink beer, smoke cigs and LAUGH MY ASS OFF. Cut to 2 days before the tournament...Bobby oh sooo casually mentions the couple that we'll be playing with. Lets call them Matt and Sue. (for you old high school friends of mine, you'll find the names funny) SERIOUSLY? I don't want to play anymore. They are "acquaintances" to me, but my hubby knows them a little better. SERIOUSLY?! I'm pissed. I thought we were playing with 2 good friends of ours. The wife...who is so much like me...hilarious. The husband...hilarious...likes to wear white pants and pink shirts, friggin awesome. Nope...not playing with them. Did I whine and complain to Bobby, you betcha. Did I pout and stomp up the stairs...totally. I'd like to make one thing clear...I don't dislike these people, I just don't know them well enough to be comfortable acting completely retarded in front of them. And if you know anything about me, I enjoy being a fucktard. Ok, enough of me being a brat...

There was a small glimmer of hope the morning of the tournament when we heard that the teams were uneven and there was a chance we could be put with our hilarious friends. Of course I got my hopes up...I'm an idiot. But as quickly as the silver lining popped up, it vanished. So I sucked it up, walked up to the bar, bought a six pack for the front 9 and got into our golf cart. (FYI I would like to mention that I should totally be putting laundry away and changing the sheets upstairs right now. Eff that noise.) The nice thing about teeing off the first hole is that I think I actually hit the ball. The crappy thing is that after the first hole I pretty regularly whiffed it. (for you non-golfers, whiffing means swinging REALLY HARD so you can hit the ball far far away...but completely missing it and kicking up a chunk of grass. Good times.) Here's the thing...if I had been playing with our good friends I would have whiffed it and promptly fell over laughing. But we were playing with captain serious and his wife miss competitive. It was embarrassing. I was embarrassed. It's really friggin rare for me to be embarrassed about anything. (remind me to tell the story of how I barfed in my uncles front yard over the labor day weekend...that's a good embarrassing one) But seriously...I was self conscious and totally deflated.

So basically this is how it continued for 18 holes. Once in a while I would hit a good one and it would make me feel a little bit better. Got a few beers in me and I wasn't as self conscious as I had been. Here's a hilarious tid bit...at one point it started to rain, and we were separated from Matt and Sue on the fairway. So we sat in the cart until the rain slowed down. When we re-joined the rest of our foursome, Miss Competitive had pulled on those plastic looking warm up pants. You know what I'm talking about. Did I mention she was wearing a visor? Yeah. What is it about golfing and visors that is sooo intimidating? Not everyone can pull off the visor and not look retarded. I, for one, can not rock the visor. I can rock a hat with the best of them, but visors are not for this girl. Can't explain it. It's just one of those things...like skinny jeans. Can't do it.

I think my favorite moment on the course was when we were waiting to tee off and Matt and Sue busted out a snack. I'm all for a good snack. I think I had some salt and vinegar chips in our cart, they go great with Coors Lite. So Captain Serious turns to me and asks me if I want some...wait for it...GRANOLA. Here's how it went down:

CAPTAIN SERIOUS: Do you want some granola Tara?

ME: Are you fucking serious?

CS: Yeah. (holds bag of friggin granola towards me)

ME: No.

I was much too hard to hide my disapproval/repulsion in that moment. I felt bad afterwards...but only for a second. I mean, really...granola? Why don't you hand me a power bar and some of that vitamin water while you're at it. So between the granola, the visor, the plastic rain pants and the constant yelling of fucking golf terminology like they were caddies on the PGA tour, I still made my way thru and completed my first round of 18 holes of golf. But it wasn't a lost cause...can you believe we got third place in our division? Yeah, me either. Here are some after pics from our day. They are all of me, bobby, and the people we wanted to play with that day:

Told you he loves pink shirts...

The Hilariousness that is "I didn't know I was pregnant"

2010-08-25T13:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if you've seen this show. It's AMAZING. Seriously...how can you not know that you're pregnant? I GAINED 40 POUNDS FOR CRAPS SAKE! Not to mention I had little baby elbows and feet poking out of my stomach. But I digress...

One of my favorite things about the show is the actors that they cast as the parents. These actors are exponentially more attractive than the actual people. SERIOUSLY. Here's another little gem...the majority of women on this show have had children before. Don't give me that crap that every pregnancy is different blah blah blah. If you don't get your period and the home pregnancy test comes up negative GO TO THE FUCKING DOCTOR AND HAVE A BLOOD TEST.

One of my personal favorite episodes is the when where the girl gives birth in the fast food restaurant bathroom. It's gorgeous. She just going about her normal shift working at the local McDonalds or whatever and goes to the bathroom and POOF...kid in the toilet. One of her co-workers even whips off her shirt to wrap up the baby. Hilarious. Here's something that irritates me...all of these babies are born without any prenatal care or checkups...and ALL OF THEM are perfectly normal and healthy when they are born. That's horseshit, but I guess it wouldn't make very good tv if there was something wrong with the baby...OR WOULD IT?

I'm terrible...I know. Don't even get me started on Teen Mom. That's a whole other post...

Gross Pregnancy and Labor Post

2010-07-08T21:49:00.000-07:00

Whoever said that childbirth was beautiful was lying thru their fucking teeth. Let's be honest...there are alot of gross things about being pregnant and giving birth. But have no fear...I am here to gross everyone out and tell the super gross details...

We'll start with morning sickness. I totally thought I was in the clear. Most women experience morning sickness in the very beginning of their pregnancies. I found out I was pregnant when I was 6 weeks along. Being young and naive, I thought I was in the clear. Ahhh...to be young and foolish...needless to say, I woke up one morning and nausea PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE. I was nauseous from the time I woke up in the morning to the time I finally fell asleep at night. There is nothing worse than being nauseous...lets be honest. Are you going to barf? Aren't you? It's hard to say. Every kind of food repulsed me. There were very few foods that didn't make me want to hurl. But I was lucky. Or maybe I wasn't. I never used to be a big fan of barfing, but basically barfing makes you feel better, right? For 2 weeks straight I was nauseous...but I never threw up. I had saltines on my nightstand and would eat one before my feet ever touched the floor in the morning. I would take saltines to work with me...and Rolaids. They didn't seem to do much good. For days and days this went on. Then one night I was at home with AF and had to pee. I went to the bathroom and took care of business. When I wiped there was blood. I was TOTALLY freaked out. Of course I immediately called the Dr. They scheduled me for an ultrasound right away. The scariest thing was that the nausea immediately went away. I was terrified that I was losing the baby. But, the ultra sound was normal and the baby was fine. For the rest of the pregnancy I wasn't nauseous, THANK CHRIST.

After this little hiccup, everything smoothed out. My belly got bigger (as did everything else) and I sort of loved being pregnant. I mean, aside from all the pills I had to take. Those pre-natal vitamins are friggin horse pills!!! It got to the point that I couldn't swallow them anymore and I made my OB/GYN prescribe chewable ones. And those fuckers were full of iron...and you know what iron does to a digestive system? Plugs that shit up. (no pun intended) Plus it makes your poop green. And because of being all constipated and junk, there are hemorrhoids. I always thought they were for old crabby men...but...nope, pregnant ladies get them.

So I was a high risk pregnancy. Thanks mom and dad. Crappy genes...that's what it boils down to. I've had high blood pressure since I was in college and that doesn't make for a happy pregnancy. Basically I had 3 non stress tests (when they slap the heart monitor to your belly to listen the the babies heart rate) and 1 ultra sound a week...for almost 15 wks. Yeah. Annoying...but necessary. I'll skip ahead a month or so...

I had been feeling some, we'll call it "wetness", down below. I figured this was normal since I've heard the prego's pee their pants a little all the time. Then I mentioned it to someone that I worked with at the time, and she said that I should tell the Dr about it. So I headed to one of my many Dr appointments and told my Dr. He freaked out...took a sample of whatever it was...and claimed that it could be amniotic fluid and I had to be rushed, by ambulance, to Geisinger (the nearest hospital with a neo-natal-intensive care unit) for precaution. SERIOUSLY? All I want to do is go home, watch tv, then go to bed. But that isn't what happened. After the nurses made me pee (cause it's a long ride) I was whisked away in the ambulance to Geisinger.

A million Dr's examined me. Woke me up in the middle of the night to give me steroid shots to advance the baby's lungs. Did fancy schmancy ultra sounds on flat screens. Told me that the baby would be born in 24-48 hours (I was only like 30 weeks for CHRIST SAKE). I slowly started to lose my shit. But I never had a contraction...and eventually they let me go home.

Thing returned to normal. I went to my Dr appointments. I went to work. I took it easy at home. I experienced heartburn for the first time, thought I was in labor...and got up the next morning, like a champ, and continued on with my day. I LOVED being pregnant and can't wait to do it again...

On a thursday I went on a normal Dr appointment. They checked me, and I was dilated 2 centimeters. I was sent over to the hospital for a non-stress test, which happened all the time. As usual, I was hooked up the the heart monitor...did the test and sat there waiting for the nurse to come in and unhook me. I'm watching tv, doing my usual routine when the nurse comes in. She then says, as conversational as she would talk about American Idol, that she is going to hook me up to the pitossin now and put in my catheter. HUH?! I'm sorry...WHAT?! Apparently my Dr felt that my blood pressure was too high and they needed to induce labor NOW (I was 37 weeks). Really? It would have been nice to get some warning. They were hooking me up to the inducing drug as well as magnesium (which is supposed to bring down my blood pressure). Not to mention putting in a catheter...which meant, that if I had to go number 2, it would be in a bedpan. NOT COOL.

I made the necessary phone calls and succumbed to the impending "hook-ups". Let me tell you that having a catheter put in is no picnic. But once you get past the super weird feeling, it's a lazy girls paradise. YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET UP TO PEE!! I was induced at 7:00pm on a Thursday. At 9:00am the next morning I wasn't any further along. AF left the hospital to run home and let the dog out. Right after he left my Dr came in to talk to me. As if he was talking about picking out his clothes for the day, he told me that he was going to break my water...and that's when all hell broke loose...

This is a long friggin story and I'm pooped. I'll finish it another day...maybe.

Fellow blogger I am obsessed with

2010-06-30T19:36:00.000-07:00

There is this blog that I read almost every day. I'm not sure how I stumbled across her, I think she was a blogger of note a while back...and I began to stalk her. She's very dainty, precious, quirky and overall...adorable. Check her out at nat the fat rat...I'll wait.

I think that my obsession with her thoughts has grown over the past few months because she, like myself, had been obsessed with getting pregnant. She is lucky enough to currently be prego. I think she's about halfway thru her pregnancy. Damn I'm jealous...but I digress...

Plus she has 2 dogs and her and her husband (who is absolutely adorable) totally freak out over them as me and my equally adorable hubby do with out crazy pups. Dog people always seem to connect...don't you think?

Here's the funny thing, the two of us couldn't be more different. I'm loud. I swear...constantly. A lot of the time...I'm totally inappropriate. I feel like she is the exact opposite. The perfect hostess. Captain America of interior decorating. Respective and disciplined when it comes to religion. Always spellchecks her blog posts before posting them. In my opinion...we couldn't be more different. I think I wish I had her sense of adorable craftiness. I am crafty at certain things...like stage makeup and crazy hair do's. But when it comes to be a homemaker...I need a degree in the School of Natalie.

There is another thing that both of us have in common. This...is...LAZINESS. Not just any laziness...but the type of laziness that crushes you and renders you unable to move from one side of the couch to another. Much like dog people gravitate toward each other...lazy ladies bond quickly. Even if they have never met.

I encourage you to pop on over and check her out. Don't worry. If you're still in the need of some dirrty jerz style swearing and inappropriateness...I'll still be here...

Correction to the Stephen King post

2010-06-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

It has been brought to my attention that I made an error in my post about Stephen King. Apparently I stated that I bought the first couple of Dark Tower books...when in fact my wonderful husband bought them for me for Christmas last year.

I apologize...and...SUCK IT.

Guess what time it is??

2010-06-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

No really...guess. It's 2:33am...and I'm hopelessly awake. Layla, Lola, London and Bobby are fast asleep. Me and the circus kitty are the only ones awake. And I'm pretty sure the only reason the kitty is awake is because there is a moth flying around the living room and she is determined to bring it to a long nap in her belly.

Ok, so I slept in today. But really...lets be honest...this is no different than any other day. I did the same things at bedtime that I usually do. I stayed up later than Bobby. Brushed my teeth and got my jams on. Attempted to get into bed without waking the puppy...but ended up having to slide her puppy butt off my pillow and into the middle of the bed. Read my Stephen King book with the flashlight app on my iPhone. Got tired of reading and played a puzzle game on my iPhone. Then...thought I was sleepy, turned off the phone and rolled over. NOTHIN. No sleepyness. So, I thought it was because my neck was sore and I flopped my pillows around a bit. Tried again...nada. So I decided to flip thru Facebook statuses on my phone. This made me sad because tonight was the opening night for Eclipse and I wasn't sitting in the theatre crying and yelling at the screen shortly after midnight as I did when New Moon opened. So I tried to watch tv. I have this silly habit of not being able to fall asleep unless there is something on that I've seen a million times. So I turned on the dvd player and settled to watch some Family Guy (even though I'm still pretty pissed at Seth MacFarlane). I laid there for a while...nope. Maybe I had to pee. Got up, hauled my cookies to the bathroom (after peeking a look at my little London) took care of business and went back to bed.

After about an hour and a half of this nonsense, I threw the covers off with a HUFF and sulked downstairs to pick up the computer. Here I sit...so here is some nonsense about my day:

I bought a new coffee creamer the other day. I'm a casual coffee drinker, but love this new creamer so it might be more of a regular thing now...even though my brother says it give you kidney stones.

Hadn't played Mario Galaxy 2 in a few days, that took up some time.

I tried to figure out how to download a youtube video to my desktop. I was not successful.

Couldn't wait to get my baby girl back from her dad today.

I had leftover COLD fried chicken for lunch. I just LOVE cold fried chicken. Truth be told, I mostly picked off the crispy parts and threw most of the chicken away.

Yesterday I made an appointment for a pedicure and a color appointment for my hair. This made me feel fancy.

Ran into a friend at CVS while I was printing the last of our wedding thank you card/pics. Yes...my wedding was in April. Yes...it is almost July. Don't act like your shocked...I AM A SLACKER.

How friggin awesome is it that Lipton Iced Tea now comes in those huge jugs with the handle now?! I'm pretty sure I drank both of them completely by myself.

I'm peeing in my pants excited about this weekends 4th of July Bash at good old Lake Tranquility in dirrty jerz. You really should be jealous...and if you're not, I hate you.

As I've been typing these sentences of nonsense, I've yawned like 5 times. Yet I am still not sleepy-time tired. Know what I mean? Now Layla is awake. I think the kitty was meowing at the moth too loud. She's pissed. Should I play Mario Galaxy to make me sleepy? What if I get annoyed that I can't beat a level and it makes me more awake than I am right now? If I had a job this would never happen. I'd be all tired from working all day than directing a 2 1/2 hour rehearsal. (I just have to mention that the cat just tried to jump on the wall to get the moth...but the moth had landed on a picture frame an when she jumped on it, it started swinging side to side and she fell. What a retard.)

OMG...DID I MENTION THAT BOBBY BOUGHT OUR TICKETS FOR PARAMORE YESTERDAY??!!! I can't believe that I forgot to mention such a thing. They are my fav band EVER and he got tickets to see them in Hershey in August as an early birthday present to me. Don't I just have the best hubby ever?!

Now how can I possibly sleep after remembering that excitement.

My Love Affair with Mr. Stephen King

2010-06-28T10:06:00.000-07:00

I can't remember the first Stephen King book that I ever read. But I can't remember a time that I wasn't reading one. When I was a kid, we took a family vacation to Myrtle Beach. A couple of weeks before we were supposed to leave my mom got sick and ended up having to have her gall bladder and appendix removed. This was back in the day before they did it laproscopicly (no idea how to spell that), you know, poking 2 little holes in the belly and sucking it thru a tube instead of slicing you open. She still has a big ass scar. Mom was worried about making the 13 hour drive after having surgery but the doctors said it was fine...after she had the staples removed. To pass the time, mom told the doctors that she had a book to read and that would keep her busy in the car. This book was Stephen Kings IT. Now if any of you know the book, you know how friggin long it is. As far as I'm concerned, the longer the better.

My mom told me another King related story from before I was born. My mom was prego with my brother, and they were living with my dads parents (Nana and Poppop). She was reading The Shining during the pregnancy. Nana used to tell her that it would hurt the fetus because it was soo scary. lol. Old people....they're crazy. I was at a friends house when I was a kid and the mini series of IT was on tv. This is the main reason that I am TERRIFIED of clowns to this day.

I usually go in spurts of reading. With the exception of the Twilight Series (don't friggin laugh...I made my mom read them too and she LOVED them) King is the only author I read. Well that's not true...I read Dan Brown too, but he doesn't swear as much as King...and I enjoy the swearing. Here are a few of his books that I've read over the years:

'Salem's Lot
Bag of Bones
Cell
Dolores Claiborne
The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon
Insomnia
IT
Lisey's Story
Misery
Pet Sematary
The Shining
The Stand
The Tommyknockers
Under the Dome
Dark Tower: The Gunslinger
Dark Tower: The Drawing of the Three
Dark Tower: The Waste Lands
Dark Tower: Wizard and Glass
Dark Tower: The Wolves of the Calla
Dark Tower: The Song of Susannah

I LOVE the way he writes. On of my most favorite books ever is The Stand. It's one of his longer ones but I just loved it. The characters, the fucked up plot twists, the creepy bad guys...all of it. His latest, Under The Dome, is a very close second. Hugely long, but amazing. Seriously, how does this guy come up with some of this crap? My latest reading endeavor has been the Dark Tower Series. A few years ago, my now ex-sister in law asked me if I had read them (she loves Stephen King too). I thought they were about dungeons and dragons crap, but she said that they weren't and it was worth the read.

After I finished Under the Dome, I figured...what the hell, I'll give it a whirl. The first book in the series, The Gunslinger, was a little rough to get thru. It was kind of like a western set in medieval times. But I made it thru...mostly because I had already bought the next 2 books. Holy crap...second book, The Drawing of the Three, FUCKING AMAZING. There was all this time travel to the 1990's and the 1960's, multiple personalities, drugs, crazy mutated lobster monsters...just...awesome. The following books just keep getting better. I think what I like best about these books, is that a little more than halfway thru the series (I think) King creates tie ins to some of his other books like The Stand, but mainly 'Salems Lot. "Lot" ends up playing a major role in the final books. As does King himself. I LOVE THIS SHIT. He wrote himself into the fucking story. But I won't go any farther into how it effects the story since I don't want to risk a spoiler.

There are a total of 7 books in the series. I just finished the 6th last night. One more left...and I'm sad. I don't want this adventure to end. I keep telling Bobby this, saying I don't know what I'm going to read next. Harry Potter came up, but I said to Bob, "What if I don't like the way she writes? Plus, I'm sure there's no sex or swearing in Harry Potter." No one writes like Stephen King. I realize that I have a bunch of his books that I haven't read yet...but I want more Dark Tower!!!!! Maybe I should start writing crazy fan letters to him. I doubt that would get me anywhere. I'm still a little pissed at Seth MacFarlane for not writing back to me...I don't know if I could handle being dissed by The Almighty Stephen King.

I encourage EVERYONE to read his books. What do you like? Vampires? Crazy twin stealing (and later turning them into...well...GIANT retards) Wolves? Cell phones ruining the world? Flu viruses killing off the entire American population? Dimension hopping while sleeping on a plane? Really...there's something for everyone. If we didn't have to name our first born son after Bobby's dad, I would totally name him Roland.

The Slump

2010-06-22T10:05:00.000-07:00

I think that I'm actually sick of being lazy. Can you imagine? ME?! But I am pretty sure that it's a terminal disease. I know that I don't want to be a lump of poop but still can't seem to get myself moving. I know what the problem is...there are a few actually. Here's a couple examples:

1. I love to sleep. It's a problem. Ever since I was little I have hated getting up early. No joke, my family used to have to wake me up Christmas morning. Seriously. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that Tara HATES to get up early. So I basically sleep the day away and that gives me even less motivation to do stuff. You know, grown up stuff.

2. SUPER MARIO GALAXY 1 & 2. These games were supposed to be for London, but really...mommy wanted to play them. The really bad thing: London loves to sit on the couch while I play. She'll just sit there for however long I decide to play and watch. For my crazy 6 year old, this is amazing. Most times SHE DOESN'T EVEN TALK!! I mean, wow...just wow.

3. My dogs love to sleep. They might just be the laziest pooches on the planet. I mean...look at this:

Why would you want to wake this sleeping baby?! (PS please notice the spots of paint on her legs. Yup, she sat in the paint tray. Retard.)

4. I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING JOB. This is a problem for obvious reasons.

So these are just a few reasons why I suck at life. Hopefully when I get pregnant it will give me a sense of purpose to get off my ass and get some shit done.

Thoughts? Comments?

The Job Hunt Continues

2010-06-14T20:52:00.000-07:00

So...I've been unemployed for almost a year. Here a a few things that I would like to point out:

I've been actively looking for a job since the day I was laid off. Within a month of being let go I had an interview lined up with ACCUweather. Obviously...that didn't work out.

I've been on a number of interviews. You know what's super annoying? When you don't get an answer either way...after weeks of waiting. Here's a funny story. A few years ago I was interviewing for work, and landed an interview at a pretty fancy schmancy place. I went thru the first round of interviews and it was pretty standard. Then I was asked back for a second interview. For this interview I was asked to prepare a presentation on medical equipment...that I had NO FRIGGIN IDEA how to operate or sell to a buyer. But I busted my ass and put A LOT of time into the research and presentation. I go into the interview. Let me paint you a little picture. I'm in a conference room in Innovation Park in State College, with VP's and department heads. After I present what I have prepared, there was a question and answer with the head honchos. The only question that I can remember had something to do with having to take off on a business trip with very short notice. I told them that I had no problem with that, with the exception that if my daughter was sick. To this, I got a negative reaction from one of the VP's. Now, I'm not sure if he had kids or not. Let's hope that he doesn't from the way he reacted. But I wasn't budging. I looked this AHOLE in the eye and said that I wasn't going anywhere if my child was sick. Well that really wasn't what he wanted to hear. To recap...I put something like 10-14 hours in on this presentation. I was proud of my work. Do you think I got a phone call telling me that they were appreciative of my effort but they had chosen to go with another candidate? NO. Of course not. I got a FUCKING FORM EMAIL...telling me that I hadn't gotten the job. REALLY?! This is how you thank the people that bust their asses FOR NOTHING?! Oh...in case you were wondering if I would mention the name of the company...it's DRUCKER COMPANY in Philipsburg, PA. Feel free to google and hate on them.

I look at the local classifieds every day. I'm not a welder. I'm not a truck driver. I'm not a short order bar cook. I'm not a nurse. Nor do I have any desire to be any of these things. There are no openings for me in the job market right now. Should I try to win the lottery? What happens when my unemployment runs out? I REFUSE to ask for handouts from my husbands family. It's a pride thing.

Here's the positive side of things. With me not working...I have all my time to devote to the local theatre group that I am an Assistant Executive Producer for. It is my passion, after all. If I was working, I wouldn't be able to give my all. But I worry about the long haul. I worry about when I get pregnant (hopefully soon, if God wills it). My husband has an amazing job but I can't shake the feeling that we will be paycheck to paycheck for the rest of our lives. I guess this stems from how I've been living for so long. I used to be such a goddamn optimist...and part of me still is...but not when it comes to money.

I always thought that I would breeze thru life. Always having enough money to pay for whatever crossed my path. My parents made it look soooo easy. No fighting over bills and income. I think that protecting me from these grown up struggles gave me a false representation of reality. Or maybe it's just because I'm a grown up in a different place, a different world then where I grew up. Whatever the reality is...I am dealing with it. Wanna know what helps? My absolutely amazing husband. He's EXACTLY what I dreamed about when I was a little girl. He's everything I expected in a marriage. He does all the things my dad did for me. He puts up with my ridiculous mood swings. He disciplines London without me having to tell him. He takes care of me in a way that I've never had. He reconciles my checkbook!!!! He handles all of London's fundraisers. He lets me bitch about things that bother me and doesn't get mad. He LOVES dirty jerz time! He LOVES the muffin man and asks when we will see him again. He's my night in shining armor and he makes me want to cook and clean for him. For those of you who don't know me...the cooking and cleaning is a HUGE DEAL. I HATE to be away from him. I went on a "GIRLS RETREAT" a while ago and the whole time I was counting down the minutes til I could go home and be with him. He's my best friend. HE'S MY BEST FRIEND. It feels soooo amazing to say that about my husband. He's an amazing man. I'm the luckiest wife EVER.

Now...if I could only find a job...

I'm a loser

2010-06-08T20:34:00.000-07:00

what's up bitches?! I know. I suck at life. I haven't blogged in like a million years. I've been a very busy girl. Well...not really. I'm just lazy. Here are the things buzzing around my brain lately:

Is my sanity going to remain intact when school gets out?
Am I too fat to wear a bikini this summer?
When the CHRIST will I get pregnant?
How bad is it going to suck to quit smoking when I get pregnant?
What if I can't get pregnant?
Will we ever finish painting the inside of our house?
What happens if I can't find a job?
What happens when my unemployment runs out?
Ewwwww...I will be the mother of a 6yr old this week. Why does she keep getting older?
I can't shake the eternal feeling that I will never have enough money.
I'm still annoyed by things that I'm not allowed to bitch about.
Does my brother still hate me for being too hungover to drive to Jerz for the LOST finale?
Will anyone understand my reference to Jaws 3 in my latest Facebook Status?
Why am I so lazy?
Do I drink too much beer?
I love my pets. Should I get rid of my kitty because she pees on stuff?
How do I get my kitty to stop peeing on stuff?
I miss the muffin man.
I never laugh as hard as I do when I'm with my fam in jerz.
There are NO JOBS IN CENTRAL PA.
I had a wonderful job once...and I wanted to work there until I was 80yrs old.
I get annoyed when I call my mom and she's too busy to talk to me because she's doing an excercise tape from 1989.
I'm not perfect...and I NEVER pretend to be. This is why I hate FAKE people who like to pretend to impress people with their super fakeness.

Ok...maybe this is a lot to take in. But i know that my beloved followers (few as they may be) can totally relate to my ridiculousness. I promise to post more often (THERE BAXTER...QUIT HARASSING ME).

And as always...SUCK IT.

Finally!!

2010-05-03T20:15:00.000-07:00

Apparently I clicked on something stupid and got rid of my toolbar. Therefore...I couldn't post pics...and that's all I wanted to friggin do...post wedding pics. Here we go:

My gorgeous centerpieces.

JUST MARRIED!!

Noticing an old friend in the crowd. HI POOPIE!!

Notice my brother filming the ceremony (SHUT UP, I know these pics are going backward but whatev)

Walking into the reception. Mr. and Mrs Robert Mitchell II!!

Our first dance. Notice my mom and dad watching in the background.

One of my favs!

SHAKE IT G AND MEEM!!!

Look at those pretty ladies!! MY GIRLS!

My baby girl is getting soooo big.

Pretty sure this is me laughing at my brothers Michael Jackson impression...

BAXXXXTERRRRRRR

So there you have it folks...stay tuned for artsy fartsy wedding dress pics my step dad in law took last week...

WTF

2010-04-26T19:56:00.001-07:00

SERIOUSLY...someone please tell me what the hell happened to the picture download button on the new post screen!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to post some wedding pics!!

FUCKERS

Countdown

2010-04-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

Whooooooooooo is getting married this saturday?! THIS GUY! Holy crap...I can't believe it's almost finally here!! Picked up my dress today...s'about goddamn time. I was supposed to pick it up last thursday but it wasn't done. Freaked out a little. Here's what's on the agenda for the rest of the week:

Today
meeting caterer up at loft to start dressing the tables
bring beer cups to loft
help mom make jello shots for dollar dance (suck it mom)
attempt to sleep tonight

Thursday
spray tan with twin
fruit shopping at wegmans
wait for mom and dad to arrive from dirty jerz!!!
help bob and josh make horses ovaries for the reception
get soda for reception
get champagne for reception
get mudslide mix for dad's secret 'under the bar stash' at recep
put favors on the tables at loft
get containers for all leftover food at the recep
attempt to get a good nights sleep

Friday
boys golf outing
wait for ry, jfj and the muffin man to arrive from dirty jerz!!!
mani/pedi's starting at 2:00 with the girls
rehearsal with magistrate at 6:30
rehearsal dinner/party at the bowling alley
help finish plating cookies and fudge at Paps with Aunt Laurie and Aunt Kathy
head to meems with the twin for the night
wash hair and shower off the spray tan grossness
toss and turn for hours
take a sleeping pill
snore...and keep twin up all night

WEDDING DAY
sleep as late as the twin lets me
head to paps to work on the fruit tray
super mel arrives at meems at 11:30 to start on updos
12:00 min and london head to Glamorous for their updos
try not to annoy everyone with how excited I am
do make-up
get my hair did
put on the magical wedding dress that is currently hanging in meems basement
make sure the flower arrangements are perfect
wait for everyone to get to meems house
wait til the last possible second before putting on 4 3/4in heels
go for a walk down the steps with dad meeting BOBBY AT THE END!!!
get married...HOLY CRAP
10 mins after ceremony starts...it's already over!!
stop at neens grave on the way to the reception to place a centerpiece on her grave
party it up at the loft
after recep head the the super non-fancy Harbor Inn and continue to party with the crew from jerz
sleep soundly for the first time in a week

Sunday
breakfast with dirty jerz
head to camp to continue to party and open our gifts

phew...ANNNNNNNNDDDD BREAK!

Evidence that I am ridiculous...

2010-04-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago Bobby and I were talking about the guest list for the wedding. This somehow turned into us joking about inviting celebrities to the reception. I know, we're ridic. So I told Bobby that I wanted to invite Seth MacFarlane (creator of Family Guy, American Dad blah blah blah) Naturally Bobby thinks I'm kidding...and I was...kind of...

I thought about writing him a letter. Then forgot about it. Then remembered like 2 weeks later...and promptly did nothing about it. Then last night I was watching something stupid on the Weather Channel and decided, "Hey! Why don't I write that letter tot Seth MacFarlane?" Because, you know, it's a great idea to start something like that at 11:30 at night.

I finished the letter at like 1:30 this morning. Let me know what you think:

Hey staff member that has to open all the fan mail. SHUT IT, I know it’s a long letter. Please read and smack it down on Seth’s desk with a post it note telling him it’s hilarious and I’m awesome. THANKS…love Tara.

April 9, 2010

Dear Seth MacFarlane:

I’m this random fan that lives in middle of nowhere central Pennsylvania. I’m also a little bit awesome FYI. I’ve been watching Family Guy since…like…forever. I own every season on DVD plus Blue Harvest, Something, Something, Something and the piece of crap Stewie movie. Oh come on, don’t get pissy, you even made fun of it in a later episode. Blah blah blah…I’m sure every random fan you see on the street tells you that they own every Family Guy DVD. I never thought I would be one of those super losers that writes a letter to the creator of a TV show that she watches. But here I am…a HUGE LOSER. But a happy loser. Here’s why:

I’m getting married in 2 weeks (April 24th 2010). It’s my second marriage and I’ll be 30 in September. SHUT UP. The number of people my age that are getting divorced is rising like friggin crazy. So, yeah, getting married. One random day the fiancée and I were talking about the guest list, joking about inviting celebrities or a famous band to perform. I think we were watching Family Guy, or a commercial came on telling what days it’s on TBS or some crap. I joked with Bob, the hubby to be, that I was totally going to write a letter to you inviting you to the wedding. He was all like, “Right. Like he would even read the letter.” So I said, “DUDE, he totally owes me a favor.” Then Bob says, “What the crap are you talking about?” So I explained to Bob how I helped to grow George Lucas’s empire, via Family Guy. Let me explain:

I have an older brother. Which means, when I was a kid I was at his mercy, as far as entertainment went. I had to sit and wait for my turn on the Nintendo, super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, whatever it was. I had to watch whatever he wanted on TV because he would beat my ass if I tried to take the remote and change the channel. I quickly learned that I would be better off just sucking it up and watch whatever he wanted. (On a random note, I learned how to beat MotherBrain on Metroid and which weapons to use on each bad guy in Megaman…making me a total nerd magnet in the future.) As we got older I inherited his old CD’s. Thanks to this, I know every single lyric to STP’s ‘Core’, and can tell you what metal band has, “Why can’t we just be sober?” as a lyric to one of their songs. I’m actually grateful to my brother for this. He totally shaped my taste in music, as well as my love of pop culture from our childhood.

This brings me back to my earlier point. I was forced to watch all things Star Wars. Not only did I watch the movies, but grew to love them almost as much as he did. I mean, let’s not get crazy here. I didn’t wait on line for hours to get tickets to Phantom Menace like he did. His love of these movies continues today. For each of the 3 Star Wars prequels (that premiered near mother’s day) he took my mom to see them. Empire was one of the first movies she ever took him to see when he was a kid…she’s hooked too. Ok…it seems like I’m getting off track here…but I totally have a point.

Because of my brothers ass whooping I was forced to watch all 3 movies over and over again. I can quote the original 3 Star Wars movies off the top of my head. It’s like second nature. Naturally, I was excited to see the Family Guy parodies. For people that haven’t seen the original movies, the parodies are still funny, even if they don’t totally understand why it’s funny. Bob and I would watch them (Blue Harvest and Something Something Something) together and I would laugh a certain parts, and he would look at me like I had 17 heads. I’d be like, “What? It’s funny.” He’d just smile. Here’s an example. In Blue Harvest, right after Stewie Darth kills Pervert Herbert Obi Won, there is a shot of Stewie stomping on Herbert’s clothes after he’s “killed”. I thought this was hilarious, since it was an exact comedic replication of what happened in A New Hope. A better example is when Peter and Chris are in the Millennium Falcon fighting off bad guys and Chris shoots one down. Peter tells Chris, “Great kid, don’t get penisy.” Of course this is hilarious to me because I know that Han Solo really said, “Great kid, don’t get cocky.” Bob just thought it was funny because Peter says PENISY. Let’s face it, it’s a funny word.

At some point it dawned on me to ask him, when was the last time he had seen Star Wars. To my surprise, he told me that he’s never actually seen the original movies. SERIOUSLY? You’re fucking with me, right? Nope, never saw them. Before you yell thru clenched teeth, he had 2 older sisters. And they used to beat the crap out of him…until he grew bigger than them and gave them the smack down they deserved. They weren’t exactly the Star Wars type. The family went to Disney in Orlando the day after Christmas this year and while we were there Bob got me a camouflage Boba Fett t-shirt. Fucking gorgeous. His sisters had to ask me who the guy with the helmet was on my shirt. Sigh. But I digress.

How can I deprive Bob of getting the most out of a parody and the importance of the pop culture of Star Wars? The only obvious answer is to rent all 3 original movies and force him to watch them. Because he is the most amazing man ever, he instantly agrees and we plan to make the following Sunday a Star Wars couch day. I bust out to our local movie rental store. To my annoyance, all 3 are only available in VHS. Because we are kids of the future, we don’t have a VHS player that works. So I go to another video store, only to find that they don’t have all 3 on DVD.

I can’t just let this go because I don’t have a video rental store with all 3 original Star Wars movies on DVD. So I haul my cookies to Wal-Mart and buy all 3 on DVD (you’re welcome George Lucas). We park our asses on the couch and watch all 3 original movies. To my satisfaction, Bob points out parts of the movies that totally pertain to the Family Guy parodies. Mission accomplished bitches.

So here’s my thing. If it wasn’t for our love of Family Guy, we wouldn’t have watched the Star Wars parodies. If it wasn’t for my love of Star Wars, I wouldn’t have ran out and bought all 3 original movies on DVD to ensure that Bob truly understood all the jokes in the parodies. And a HUGE thanks to my brother for being a jackass and making me watch Star Wars in the first place. Here’s where it gets all stupid and fan-like. If not for your characters and your love of Star Wars, Bob might never have seen the original movies. In my opinion this is an EXCELLENT example of how your show exposes people to pop culture that they might not have experienced in the past. Ok, that’s enough mushy crap. I’d like some more Back to the Future and Indiana Jones references in Family Guy. Can you make that happen? Thanks. Can’t wait for the Jedi parody. Meg should totally be the pit monster in the beginning that Luke/Chris is supposed to jump into. I’m just sayin…

It’s not like I expect you to show up at my wedding or send a huge check or even a present. Actually, I’m pretty sure you won’t even read this letter. Some fan mail lackey will surely open it and throw it into the pile with the rest. What I hope for is a letter, or a wedding well-wish. Either way we’ll keep watching the show and forking over money to pay for future seasons on DVD. But some kind of personal response would make me want to publish the pic I have of my daughter rocking the Stewie t-shirt from Hot Topic on Facebook.

My email is taraoakley@yahoo.com. Show some love. We live like 20 minutes from Penn State University…the nittany lion football team LOVES Family Guy!!

Thanks for reading fan mail lackey…pass it on to the big guy…or Alex…she’s friggin hilarious.

Tara Cutler (soon to be Tara Mitchell on April 24, 2010)

PS My brother totally had nightmares as a kid about the Kool-Aid guy…I LOVE bringing it up at family dinners. Keep up the good work.

PPS my future father in law has lifetime season tickets to all the PSU football games...hit me up for tickets biotch.

Can you believe that I actually shoved this in an envelope, slapped a stamp on it and sent it off to Beverly Hills???!! At least I'm not in denial of how ridiculous I am.

BRIDEZILLA Rant #1

2010-04-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

Is it really that hard to read a wedding invitation? REALLY, IS IT? Let me ask this question to my fellow bloggers: If you receive a wedding invitation addressed like this "Mr & Mrs John Smith and Family" you would think that it's ok to bring your kids, right? Common sense. Not to mention that the response cards ask you to write in who is coming to the reception. How about when you get an invitation addressed like this: "Mr & Mrs John Smith"...would you then fill out the response card and include your CHILDREN?! No. No you wouldn't. Because there was no mention of anyone other than Mr and Mrs.

HOLY BALLS PEOPLE.

I will apologize after the wedding for this rant...or maybe I won't.

MelDO

2010-04-08T07:26:00.000-07:00

Here's a "rough draft" of my updo for the wedding. The Amazing Mel did this in like 15 minutes with a teeny tiny sample bottle of hairspray and some toilet paper. Not even kidding. She's a magician. I love the messy but sleekness of it. THANK GOD FOR MEL!!!

Wedding MADNESS

2010-04-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

The clock is ticking people. We're T-Minus 18 days. I'm totally excited and not a bit nervous. It must be a second wedding thing...I'm focusing more on the party aspect than the actual getting married part. Prob because I'm not dreading it and stressing over the fact that my parents are paying for ANOTHER really expensive 'party'.

We had a minor setback last week when I went for the test run for my wedding day updo. I was worried about getting all of my hair up because it's kinda short in the back...but I figured that they deal with this all the time. It started out good, she showed me that the back wouldn't be a problem and proceeded to get to work on the rest of my hair. Lets keep in mind here that the chair was turned away from the mirror the entire time she was working on my hair. I couldn't see what size curling iron she was using or what the front looked like...NOTHIN. So she twirls me around...and to my extreme horror...I looked like Shirley FUCKING Temple. Which is exactly what I said to her (minus the Fbomb). And the sides and back of my head made me look like a gumba from mario brothers. So she brushed me out and we attempted to start again. What I wanted was the messy on the top but sleek on the sides and back. But since my hair was short in the back we decided to try doing it half up with a french twist-like do. Nope. Didn't like it. My hair needs to be all up or I look retarded with the veil on. I discreetly mention that I have a girlfriend that is a beautician and I can get with her to play around with it. I need to make sure to mention that I arrived for the appt at 10:00am and didn't leave until 12:30...only because she had another client come then. CHRIST.

The other thought that is running thru my head, is that my mom is getting her hair done by the same girl. Now, we all know about my mom. She tells it like it is, this is where I get it from. Nice little hairdresser born and raised in central PA isn't used to dirty jerz sitting in her chair telling her how it is. Not only would she yell at the hairdresser, she would then complain to me about it. I would then have to hear about her updo FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. lol. Don't act like it's not true mom...I know you're reading this.

So basically it's SUPER MEL to the rescue. We went over to her house saturday night and she waved her magic wand and made my hair full of awesomeness. So she's gonna do my hair, plus my moms and bobby's moms. The annoying part is that I have an appointment with her on thursday to get my color done and I have to break the news. TERIFFIC.

Other than the hair drama everything else seems to be going pretty awesome. Met with the caterer yesterday to pick out the linens and look at the chair covers. Awesome and awesome. My final fitting for the dress is next thursday and my fam starts to arrive in town the following thursday!!! Can't wait to see the muffin man in his tux with sneakers and rub my sister in laws prego belly!!!!!

MUTHA FUCKIN SEATING CHART

2010-03-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

So I started working on the seating chart for the wedding reception tonight. And I want to kill myself a little. It's funny...I have absolutely no recollection of working on a seating chart for my other wedding. But that's probably because I didn't care about how the wedding turned out (sorry mom and dad) because I knew it would end in divorce. This time around it's totally different. I'm BEYOND involved in every stinkin aspect of this wedding. Almost to the point of obsession. Here's a clue to how difficult it sometimes is: I'M FROM NEW JERSEY. My version of wedding decor is totally from another planet. It's sometimes hard to express my opinion without receiving crazy face from my PA family. But I digress...

Here's the thing...planning a seating chart is easy when you know all the people that are coming to the reception. I know. This sounds crazy. Stick with me here. I am a transplant from another state. The area where we live now, and where we're getting married is not where I grew up. On the other hand, Bobby grew up here, and apparently knows everyone that lives in a 50 mile radius. Not only does he know them, but still talks to them and hung out with them like last week. This is small town America people. Which means that he (and the rest of his fam) run the risk of running into someone that wasn't invited to the wedding at the loval gas station. AWKWARD.....

I'm getting off track here. Obviously there are alot of people on our guest list that I have no idea who they are. Or, I've met them like 1 time and still don't know who they are. On a random note...at our couples shower, I totally hugged people and told them that they looked amazing and then turned to bobby and said, "who the fuck is that?" So we sit down tonight to start working on the guest list. I was sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table and bob was laying on the couch behind me. I would look over the list and say to him, "what is 'so and so's wife/girlfriends name?" To which his response would go something like, "Oh, it's either 'this or this'." Who should 'insert random niece or grandkid name' sit with? "well they can sit with...oh wait no, well how about...noooo that's not going to work because they already have a little one at their table" and so on and so forth. OMG.

Ok so maybe I'm making it harder because we haven't gotten all the response cards back yet. The rsvp date isn't until April 10th. But I wanted to get a head start on the seating chart because it always seems to take a long time.

PS if you are on the Burns side of the family...get your shit together and send your response cards back. AND make your reservations at the hotel. You're making me nervous.

Pics from a party...

2010-03-25T15:55:00.000-07:00

Here are some pics from the super terrific bachelorette party I had last weekend. I don't have all of them yet...but this is a start...

I'm pretty proud of this one...I took it myself.

A little posing before dinner

Me and the twin at dinner

A few of the lovely ladies

The world famous penis cup. I totally walked up to the bartender and said, "Please fill my penis with Coors Light."

A quick photo shoot on the lanes at the bowling alley

...look at those 80'sriffic shoes

Sweaty sweaty girls after dancing it up...and we're all retarded. This pic was taken shortly after Bobby's cousin made me flash her some boobage because I promised her husband (like a year ago) that if he finished the 2lb burger at Denny's (not the breakfast place) I would flash him.

The Calm Before the Storm

2010-03-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day. Wait...no...not THAT big day. It's the bachelorette party. My ladies and I have been preparing for tomorrow for almost 2 weeks. We're not fucking around. We're on a mission. I'm not exactly sure what that missions is...but we're totally on it.

On a random note, London and I went to see some of my favorite kiddo's starring in Willy Wonka at one of the local high schools. As always, we were running late. I am totally unable to be early for ANYTHING. Seriously. We got there like 10 minutes before the curtain, and got super shitty seats. They were way in the back and London couldn't see so she had to sit on my lap. Of course she fidgeted and wiggled for the entire first act and I was totally ready to leave at intermission. But I spent some time with my favorite circus mama at intermission and was convinced to stick it out...and as luck would have it we scored some super awesome seats for the second act. It was totally worth it. The show was hilarious and amazing. I'm soooo proud of my little loves. They did an amazing job!!!

The twin and I are gonna hit the movie store tomorrow and rent some beloved 80's flicks before we start getting ready.

MUSH ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
For a long time, I really was lacking female friendship. I went from having a very strong group of girlfriends in college, that I grew to depend on, to having a husband and no close lady friends that I saw on a regular basis. I really missed it. But don't feel sorry for me just yet. The love of my life stepped in and introduced me to an amazing group of friends that welcomed me with open arms. It was so similar to my group in college...it gave me the warm fuzzies. These ladies reminded me of how amazing it is to have good girlfriends...and how lucky I am. I mean, come on...I'm a complete retard and they still love me, right?

Here's to tomorrow night. We are children of the 80's...HEAR US MUTHA FUCKIN ROAR...

Time for random thoughts...

2010-03-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sooo mad that I ironed on the transfer for my bachelorette party t-shirt UPSIDE DOWN

I'm not a cat person...but I love my kitty, probably because she's a huge bitch just like me

I felt all congested this morning (allergies I think) and took 2 benadryl, then promptly napped for 3 hours

My bachelorette party will be epic

I've been very dissappointed in Lost lately...well maybe not this weeks episode but last weeks was totally gay. However, next weeks Richard episode should have me yelling and screaming at the tv again...hopefully.

I've lost 5lbs on the wedding diet!!! Only like10 more to go...

I think there's a booger on my wine glass right now

My puppy is in heat for the first time. (she's just over a year) And she's super pissed that she's confined to the kitchen

I wish I could get off my anti-depressant. I've tried...but it always ends badly. Seriously...worse than kicking heroin...although I've never had to kick heroin...

I miss my old side of the bed. In the past when Bobby would get up and leave for work I would roll over to his side of the bed and go back to sleep. It was like a vacation from my super boring side of the bed and was super comfy. I thought it was a terrific idea to switch sides of the bed permanently. Holy crap was I wrong...and now my little love won't trade back. BALLS

My first wedding dress fitting is next Thursday!!!!!

I can't wait to be proud to be Bobby Mitchells wife!!! I'm tired of being ashamed of my last name

I wish that London didn't whine all the time...it drives me bat shit

I want a bigger house...with less carpet

I've been doing my best to cut down on my diet pepsi addiction. It hasn't been nearly as hard as I had anticipated

I am drinking a glass of wine right now and feel like my mother...it's both scary and expected

I wish I could rub my sister-in-laws pregnant belly. I haven't seen her look prego yet with baby girl Oakley. Wedding weekend can't come soon enough...

What happens when you're unemployed and lose the desire to look for another job? I mean, I have unemployment compensation for like a year...if only I could get pregnant right away and stay unemployed...

I wish my brother could come to Bobby's bachelor party on saturday

I'm sure this post is super boring. But I've had these thoughts rolling around in my head for a few days and blah blah blah. Suck it

Watch out Philipsburg...the 80's are BAAAAAAACCCKKKKKK

2010-03-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

This saturday is my bachelorette party. We decided to kick things up a notch and go for a group theme party. I am happy to announce that all of us (I think there's about 15-20 going out) will be decked out in full on 80's gear.

I don't think central PA is ready for this. We're going out to dinner and then hitting the town. The best thing about it, is how hardcore everyone is going on their outfits. My twin and I got our outfits on saturday. We scored black stone washed denim LEGGINGS. Fucking leggings. Amazing. Throw in a tye dye shirt and some bangle bracelets...and it's friggin awesome. Needless to say, there will be tons of pics taken throughout the night. It's going to be epic.

IGNITE: Inspire, Grow, Nurture, Impact, Teach, Experience

2010-03-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

It's childrens youth theatre program preaching time folks. Here are some updates in no particular order:

1. We are now called Front & Centre Productions, IGNITE (see above acronym)

2. We are planning an audition workshop sometime before our auditions in may

3. The organization we used to work with has been putting articles in the local papers blabbing about how awesome they are and how excited they are to put on their production of 'Annie Jr' this summer

4. The same organization is claiming that they have a well established program. EFF THAT. The entire staff tha ran the program for the last 6 years is no longer there.

5. The kids that take part in this program will have to make a choice of which program to participate in

6. Some of these kids have already been approached by people to participate in 'Annie Jr'

7. I am applying for a grant from the Pepsi Refresh Project for $25,000. Our application will be submitted in April 1st. Anyone can go online and vote. I HOPE all my readers will vote. Without this grant (or some other miracle) we will not have the funding we need to build sets, make costumes and pay for lighting and sound.

8. I can't wait to get together with my circus animals and start our summer!!

9. I'm trying to arrange an interview with the one major newspaper in our area. Plus I'm trying to spark interest with the theatre department at Penn State University to send some volunteers.

10. I am crazy for trying to put on a workshop and get married probably in the same week

11. I hope to be pregnant by the time our show is cast

12. I hope being pregnant doesn't interfere with my work on the show

13. I can't wait to see what kind of turn out we get for auditions

14. I'm asking all my theatre/dance friends for auditioning tips to give at the workshop. (Including an amazing dancer and actress who has been on broadway and national tours!! I'm totally famous by association)

I'm realllllllyyy excited about this new adventure. Now if we could only win the lottery...or get this grant...

Spray Tan Bitches

2010-03-08T12:28:00.000-08:00

Arianne and I went on thursday to try out spray tans for the wedding. I was afraid that we would end up all orange so we wanted to make sure that we had tested it out.

Do I look tan?

Stuff

2010-03-08T11:11:00.000-08:00

Here are some pics from our couples shower:

Me, Bob, Josh (best man) and Arianne (my long lost twin and matron of honor)

Nana and bobby's sisters, meem and G

Bobby's girlfriend, BAXTER and her hubby Tork

My mom and dad (I look a little crazy in this pic)

It was a great party...but of course...it didn't stop here. We had 2 after parties. A quick stop at a local bar and then our house...

Here is the aftermath. Plus Nikki and Layla. We have the best friends ever...they came back to our house and helped unload all our loot and put stuff away. Oh...and drink beer and play super mario 3. (Johnson...you suck at old school nintendo.)

SUPER excited about our new Keurig coffee maker!!

London and her new BFF Nikki.

Stacy...the spice rack master.

Hoorrayyyyy for our new glasses!! Thanks for testing them out Mick!

Johnson, you're a huge wierdo. He didn't take his jacket off the whole time he was at our house.

It was a damn good time. Thanks to everyone that made it sooooo friggin fun!!

Slacking slacking slacking...

2010-03-02T17:33:00.000-08:00

We had the most awesome couples shower on sunday. It was a friggin blast followed by 2 after parties. One at a local bar and one at our house where our awesome friends helped us unload all of our presents (2 friggin carloads) and put stuff away. It was a damn good time. There was even some old school super mario. I'll post all about...when I get motivated.

Like I said...I'm a slacker...

I hate shoes

2010-02-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

I'm having some shoe drama. I've spend a pretty good portion of this week looking for the right shoes to wear the day of the wedding. Because it's a black and white wedding, I'm not restricted to just white or off white. My dress has a black sash at the waist, so I could wear black shoes, and I'm carrying red roses and have a red rose for my hair with awesome guinea feathers. Here's a pic:

I'm totally obsessed with it. So I narrowed my shoe choice down to 2 pairs. Well acutally, one really. It's the same shoe but one is in red and one is black.

I asked my mom what she thought. She liked the red ones. Then again, she's obsessed with the Wizard of Oz so OF COURSE she went with the red. But I really liked them too. So I decided to order them. I forwarded everything to Bobby so he could order them (he's handles all the bills and money and crap). Turns out they wouldn't ship until the end of friggin MAY.

Back to the effing drawing board...

What is NORMAL?

2010-02-25T21:17:00.000-08:00

What do you consider normal? It's a really difficult question to answer. How do you gauge NORMAL? It's totally different for everybody. And it's usually a hot topic. I'm from New Jersey. I was raised in an upper middle class family. I never saw my parents struggle for money. My brother and I always had whatever we needed. We made fun of trailer parks, mainly because we had NEVER seen one or understood that some people actually struggle for money. As a kid growing up I thought that my life was the norm. I was raised to stand up for myself. To express my feelings when I felt that something was fucked up. To be a confrontational adult and not shy away when a difference of opinion is raised. Why would I pretend to agree with someone just because the majority is against me? I don't give a fuck. I'm not a pussy. My mom didn't raise a push over.

Here's the reality of it. What's normal to you, is never normal to someone else. Everyone tries to project their version of normal on everyone else. It never goes well. If you're a confrontational person thrown into a passive environment (lets say you re-located from somewhere) you don't want to piss people off, but at the same time you're sacrificing you're integrity. But if you react the way you were raised, you're alienated. It's a fucking catch 22. However...if you're from a more passive environment and enter a confrontational situation, you can just nod your head and be done with it. The damage to your self worth is your own damn fault. But, then again, if that's how you were raised, it's really not your fault.

This is totally annoying for someone who was raised in one state and spends their adult life in another. It's essentially a struggle between morals and peer pressure. How does an adult decide what's the right thing to do? There's always pressure from parents and in laws. How do you make everyone happy? I have no idea. This is my struggle. The only solution that I have come across is KEYSTONE LIGHT. Anybody have a better suggestion?

Yesterday was a damn good day

2010-02-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had in a long time, for 2 main reasons.

1. I GOT THE DEPOSIT BACK!!

2. I'M DIVORCED!!

Today is going to be pretty good too. It's LOST Tuesday!! I friggin love Lost. I've been a faithful viewer since my brother made me start watching it the beginning of the second season. I think tonight is a Claire episode. She has no idea that Kate took Aaron off the island and he's still with Claire's mother...or so we have been lead to believe. I treat each episode like it's the super bowl and the Steelers are playing. I yell at the tv and sometimes throw things when the show makes me mad. Bobby can't even watch it with me lol. He gets the look of death if he talks and ruins my conversation. Forget about asking me questions...I'll stab you in the neck with the nearest sharp object.

Now I HAVE to do more laundry and clean my kitchen. Our couples wedding shower is on Sunday and the crew from dirty jerz are coming!!! That reminds me...I need to stalk our registry...HAPPY LOST TUESDAY!!!

Wedding Drama

2010-02-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

So we wanted to get married at this local hotel that opened recently and has a ballroom. The food is pretty good, the service leaves a little (and that's being VERY generous) to be desired and one of the owners is a complete flake. But it's pretty much the only nice place around here to have a wedding reception. Bobby and I met with the flaky owner on Monday. But before I get into that...let me back up a bit.

A couple of weeks ago we went to have our initial consult. I had scheduled it with flaky, but at the last minute she had to go to a viewing or a funeral or something and another employee was sitting in for her. Fine. No big whoop. So we get there and I instantly recognize this employee...as a waitress that waited on us a month or so ago. You know what? Good for her. She got a promotion. Great. I don't think too much of it. We sit down and start to go over some things. I told her that all of my family is coming from out of town and will need to stay in the hotel. They currently have only 9 or 10 ready, which would be cutting it really close. But she tells us that they are working on a bunch of rooms and will have 24 rooms ready by the end of March. Sweet, that will work. Then she hands us a menu they use for in house events and we start to look over it. It was only 2 pages long and looked totally unprofessional, but...again...didn't really think much of it. The choices were somewhat limited and there was nothing on it about alcohol. Of course I immediately ask about the alcohol and she tells me that we would pay by consumption. What? Basically it means that the bartenders keep track of every single drink they hand out and add it all up at the end of the party. SERIOUSLY?! This is the most retarded way I have ever heard of to charge for alcohol. I ask what they charge for beer and wine. She tells me $2.75 for beer and $5.00 for a glass of wine. Now, my friends and family like to party. My family is very Irish...we like our beers. My PA friends are crazy and like to party. Case and point: we went to a wine tasting party a couple of weeks ago at a friends house and they had an 8 person beer bong in their living room...named BONGZILLA. I shit you not. Here's a lovely pic from my first beer bong ever:

It was a friggin awesome party...as evident by this next pic:

Classy. So my biggest fear is running out of booze. We immediately think that we'll just give a flat amount of money that will go towards the bar only and when it runs out, shut it down and make it a cash bar. Then I think about my Uncle Billy. He lives near Atlantic City. He's hauling his cookies all the way here and wants to party. If I run out of beer...he's going to kill me and not let us come to his house this summer. BALLS.

This past Monday we met with Flaky. We sit down and start to go over crap. Flaky hands us this folder with a bunch of stuff inside. Included in this folder is a brand spankin new menu with NEW prices. Just to give you an idea of the difference in pricing: On the original menu that we got, a cheese and veggie platter was $75. Keep in mind that this platter us supposed to feed 40 people. On the new piece of shit menu it's $125. SERIOUSLY?! That is ri-goddamn-diculous. Now for the booze. We were originally told that we would have to pay by consumption. Which means that we wouldn't know what our bar tab was until the end of the reception. That made me nervous. What if we didn't have enough money left in the wedding fund (THANKS MOM AND DAD) to cover it? Not havin it. Flaky then informs us that we have another option. We can pay by the hour. Ok, this sounds good. It makes me feel a little better. So she tells us what it would cost per hour blah blah blah...I can't do math in my head so I don't have a real idea of what it would cost. Ok so not only were the prices different, but there was a whole page of hors d'ourves that weren't on the original menu that we got. Enough about the food. I stop thinking about our menu and move on to the hotel rooms...

Now, I mentioned earlier that the waitress turned hostess told us that all 24 rooms would be read by the end of March. I even asked her if there was any chance of delay, she assured me that they would be done in March. After we met with waitress turned hostess I emailed Flaky asking her about discounts for blocks of rooms and if they offered a free room to the bride and groom if so many rooms are booked. The bitch never answered my questions. COMPLETELY IGNORED THEM. Ok, so I asked her on Monday about the rooms. She looks at me like I have 17 heads. "Oh, they won't be ready for your wedding." I'm sorry, WHAT? "They won't be done until May 1st." Naturally I'm confused and PISSED. "The other lady told us that they would be done by the end of March." Trying to keep my cool and not open hand slap Flaky. "I have no idea why she said that. The plan has always been May 1st." Ok. Get it together Tar. I decide the best way to get past this annoying situation is to move on and finish this little meeting so I can go home and bitch about her.

That was Monday. I didn't get a chance to sit down and crunch the numbers. For the alcohol ALONE it would be $4600. This is almost half of our entire wedding budget. The food was around $3800. Seriously. How am I going to pay for flowers, hair, nails, shoes...and all the other crap that you don't think about. I go into panic mode and start freaking out. Of course, I channel all this frustration into my facebook status. What? Isn't that what you would do? And Aunt Laurie (Bobby's aunt) messages me about it. So I fill her in on the ridiculousness. She then tells me that this local antique store has a loft that they rent out for weddings. I decide to call them a little later on and we go up to look at it. It's gorgeous. It's all knotty pine and has beams that we can hang awesome decorations on. But the best part is that we can bring our own booze. Perfect. I'm sold. Plus it can fit 50 more people. Now my only problem is getting back the deposit from the hotel.

The very next day I go down to the hotel to talk to flaky and tell her that if we had the reception there, we would be WAY over budget, and wouldn't be able to have the wedding that we want. But, of course, she's not there that day and I have to talk to waitress turned hostess. She takes my information and tells me that Flaky will call me first thing the next morning. Do you think she called me? Nope. Nuthin. So I emailed her and explained the situation. I was polite and told her that we would still like all of our guests to stay in the hotel and what did I have to do to get back my deposit.

Now keep in mind, I didn't hear a damn thing from her until I sent that email. How long do you think it took for her to email me back? Yeah, not long. I would say within a half hour. The first line of the email was this, "The deposit is non-refundable." Oh really? So I grab our copy of the contract and start to look thru it. And, indeed it does state the the deposit is non-refundable. But...WE NEVER SIGNED THE CONTRACT. Fuckers. I'm pretty sure that they are so damn unorganized that she thought we returned the signed contract. Plus, they must have forgotten that we will have every single hotel room booked the night of the reception. But here's my dilemma. If we threaten to pull all of our guests if they don't give back the deposit, and they don't give it back to us, we're shit out of luck. This small town doesn't have any other places where I can put up all my fam. So, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I have no problem getting rude with Flaky, but I still have to worry about where to put up the dirty jerz crew. Here's another kicker, the owners of the hotel are both lawyers. How do you like them apples? If anyone can find a loophole, it's fucking lawyers. My plan is to go down there tomorrow and try not to cause a scene...but if that's what it comes to...so be it.

Thoughts? Comments? Better make it quick because I'm heading down there tomorrow afternoon...

HI BAXTER. LOVE THE SHIRT!!

Decisions Decions...

2010-02-10T10:46:00.000-08:00

Ok since I'm snowed in, the least I can do is post something. Today Bobby and Josh are going to get fitted for their new suits. No tuxes...they're stupid. I'll take some pics. Bobbys sister, G, is good friends with some people that make suits...and we're totally getting hooked up. Awesome.

I also think traditional wedding veils are boring. So I'm going to get a birdcage veil. Because I'm fancy. Here are a couple that I'm thinking about ordering:

I love the length of this one, but I'm not crazy about the flower thing. It's kinda boring. But still lovely.

This one I'm a little obsessed with. But here's my real problem. I'm going to be wearing red roses in my hair and I'm not sure if the giant white flower feather thing would look wierd or weird...I still don't know how to spell it.

I found this other cute one that has swarovski crystals but I can't friggin find it. Here's one that looks kinda like it:

I don't know. Anybody have any suggestions? Websites? Anything?

Requests

2010-02-09T20:21:00.000-08:00

Hi Baxter.

You're awesome.

Love,

The Future Mrs. Mitchell

Another Mom Story...

2010-02-06T15:02:00.000-08:00

Here's a gem of a story about my mom. Lets face it...she's ridiculous. I was on the phone with her earlier today and my dad walked into the room where she was doing laundry. She took the phone away from her ear to say something to my dad and when she came back on the phone she says this, 'I have a story and I might as well tell you before your father does.' Huh? 'Your dad thinks it's going to be your next blog post.' Classic. This means she did something embarassing to her...but HILARIOUS to me and the rest of my family.

Apparently she was walking into work the other day (she works for an oral surgeon) with a plastic bag that had some snacks, soda and a sandwich. This was also the setting of another mom episode involving a snapple bottle. We'll have to get to that one another day. As she's getting out of her car she said that she felt something fall out of her hands. She looks around and doesn't see anything. Whatev. No big thang. So she's getting all her crap out of the car and it starts to rain. Mom is like, 'Rain? I thought it was supposed to snow today?' The genius then notices that the rain is BROWN. What the eff? Upon taking another look around mom realizes that it was a soda can that dropped out of her bag and is now basically a soda lawn sprinkler. Spewing soda all over the inside of her car as well as the outside. Oh...wait...it gets better.

Ever the neat-freak, my mom grabs the sprinkler soda can and rushes into her office. Once she gets inside and gets rid of the soda can she is SHOCKED to discover that she left a trail of soda all thru the office. So not only does she have to go wipe up the inside and outside of her car, but she has to mop the office floor.

Classic.

Caption Contest

2010-02-06T07:42:00.000-08:00

What should the caption for this pic be? I totally stole it from a friends myspace page. The tards in this pic are my brother, his 2 best friends from like kindergarten, and 2 college buddies. Let the gayness begin...

Reccurring Nightmare...

2010-01-28T07:11:00.000-08:00

I have wierd dreams. I'm sure a lot of people have wierd dreams, but I think that mine are a little more awesomely wierd than most people...well...because I'm a little bit more awesome than most people. (on a random note, it's snowing right now...but the sun is out. Creepy.) Before I jump into the dream, you're gonna need a little backstory.

I was engaged in college to a really nice guy...who was a little too nice. Ok, so he was kind of a pussy. It was fun in the beginning because I would win every fight blah blah blah. Then it got BORING. And ANNOYING. I would become irritated at the drop of a hat. We dated for about 3 years and were engaged for a little over a year. I broke it off my senior year in college. It sucked. But it was the right thing to do. So technically I've been engaged 3 times. But not really, because AF never actually asked me to marry him and I didn't get my engagement ring until we were married for like 2 1/2 years...but whatever. Back to the dream...

I have this dream ALOT. And it's always a HUGE relief to wake up. I'm sometimes able to realize that I'm dreaming in the middle of it...which is always wierd. The dream consists of me still being with college boy and having to break up with him AGAIN. Sometimes it's the day of the wedding in the dream, or we're making wedding plans...but here's the thing...as with most scary dreams, I can't talk. Usually, I can't talk. Or I'm trying to find my mom, and I can't run. It's that old creepy dream thing where I start to run but the door just keeps getting farther and farther away. Or I'm stranded in some far away town and have no way of getting home. Once in a while I'll be back on my college campus, but I can't find my way around to get to college boy and break it off.

Sometimes AF makes an appearance, and that's always fun (sarcasm here) but the funny thing is I'm not completely trapped in the past. I'm always thinking that Bobby is going to kill me, or I wish I was home with Bobby and how did I get into this mess. I don't know. I'm wierd.

Take last nights super retarded dream for example. Apparently I was back in college and it was move in day. (this is a recurring dream too) I'm always scrambling at the last minute to get roommates. Walking thru the dorm (WUD UPCREVER HALL) trying to find my room and figure out who I'm living with. I see a random familiar face once in a while. Like last night I saw Rosa, a random lacrosse player. And an old friend Ellen, whom I haven't seen or talked to in a million years. Strangely, Ellen was really sick in the dream and she said it had something to do with being in Cuba. Wtf? I think this is because her brother lives in Costa Rica...and I'm just that retarded. Anywho...for some reason I was going to be living at my parents house (not the house they live in now, but the house I grew up in) with roommates. But not in my bedroom, in our downstairs tv room. My mom promised that we could move the furniture around to make room for our beds and desks and crap. (At this point I still had no idea who my roommates were going to be) The last thing I remember before I woke up was walking into the tv room with my mom and dad and seeing that they hadn't move anything around and there were no beds or anything. I then yelled at my mom, something like, "You promised we could fit down here" and I woke up to myself yelling in my sleep at my mom...about my dorm room...in her downstairs tv room.

There you have it folks. I'm ridiculous. Anybody else have really wierd dreams that keep coming back?

Random Update

2010-01-27T07:30:00.000-08:00

So I've been totally MIA lately. Here's what's new:

AF signed the divorce papers!!!!! Still waiting for his pain in the ass lawyer to send the paperwork to my lawyer so it can be final.

Planning a wedding WOOT! We've decided on a black and white wedding and I'm super excited. Going dress shopping friday.

Still don't have a job. Had an interview last week that I thought was awesome...yup...still haven't heard anything.

Oh...yeah...we're getting married on April 24!!

I'm in the process of writing a letter of hardship to my mortgage company. AF and I bought a house together about 6 months before we seperated and I'm trying to get rid of it. I tried for about a year to keep it, but since he wouldn't give me any money other than court ordered child support, I couldn't keep up with all the bills. How in the hell was I supposed to pay the mortgage, electric, cable, heating oil, my student loans, car insurance, cell phone, daycare and all the rest of that crap ALL BY MYSELF? I scraped by for a year and then said fuck it. My lawyer advised me to give up the deed in lieu of foreclosure. The process to do this is provide proof that the house has been listed for sale...wait 90 days...then write a letter of hardship explaining my situation. Anybody out there been thru this? If my letter isn't approved the house will go into regular foreclosure. Grrrrrrrrr. I JUST WANT TO GET RID OF IT!!!

Who was a lazy piece of crap today? Raise your hands!!

2010-01-20T14:53:00.000-08:00

Yup, that would totally be me. Here's what my day consisted of:

Getting London off to school (this was my largest accomplishment of the day)
Eating lemon bars for breakfast
Pissing around on the internet
Laying on the couch
Attempting to nap
Realizing that I'm hungry and what I want to eat, we don't have in the house
NOT putting on a bra...ALL DAY
Hauling my ass to the grocery store to buy junk to eat (I'm not kidding. Here's what I bought: cheesy nacho dip, torrilla chips, iced tea mix, 2 cadbury chocolate bars...WHAT? They were buy 2 for $3. Shut up.)
Getting London off the bus
Laying on the couch watching cartoons while London played computer games
Napping
Going up to visit with Pap

I blame being laid off for my lack of motivation to do anything. It's bad. I need a jobbie job. Anywhooooooo...I'm used to telling hilarious stories about my mom on this blog. So I figured that it was time to share a little bit about my dad. (Sorry dad. No one is safe)

My dad LOVES ice cream. Remember back to the post about his birthday cake last year? Classic. When I was growing up it was pretty often that he would have a big bowl of it for dessert. Common, right? Now, my dad is an accountant. So come February-Aprilish...he's absent most of the time. He's a busy dude during tax season. It's not uncommon for him to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning to get shit done (Which you should totally quit doing dad...you're no spring chicken anymore). During these marathon work sessions he would come up to the kitchen for a snackie snack. More often than not, it was ice cream.

One night in particular he took an ice cream break. So, he's scooping into the bowl, puts the ice cream away, picks up the scoop and licks the scooper. Bad idea. Why you ask? Well...because it was a metal spoon...and the ice cream made it friggin cold. Know what that means? Here's a hint. You know that part in the beloved Christmas classic 'A Christmas Story' where the kid is triple dog dared to stick his tongue to the pole and it gets stuck? Yup. That's what we have here folks. Dads lip became stuck to the scooper. Or maybe it was his tongue? I can't remember...but part of his mouth was stuck.

You would think that my dad would have gotten a cup of warm water and poured it on the scoop and his face to remove it. Nope. That's for sissies. Dad just ripped the scoop off...and with it came a layer of his mouth skin. Nice, right? WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!

Unemployment Update

2010-01-19T11:04:00.000-08:00

So I had a job interview this morning. I think it went well...but I am super terrible at judging stuff like this. On all of the other interviews that I have gone to, I always feel like I've done a good job. This interview was no different. The job seems pretty awesome and everyone is really laid back.

Oh...did I mention that I did the interview with NO LIGHTS ON?! Yeah. The power went out about an hour before I got there. I would totally love to get this job. The owner said that the company is growing like crazy and their putting a huge addition on their building this summer. Now I just get so sit and wait. I effing hate this part...

On a lighter note the SAG Awards are this weekend!!! Love love love awards season. I plan to do another live blog like I did with the Globes. Not that it's important or anything...but hopefully some people will find my comments interesting or hilarious. Yay for SAG Gab!!!

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T19:51:00.000-08:00

Sandra Bullock is ridiculously amazing. How cute was her speech? I'm obsessed with what she said to her hubby.

I'm a little pissed that Matt Damon didn't win for 'The Informant'. But how amazing is Robert Downey Jr? It's soooo hard to be mad at him. He's hilarious and classy.

George Clooney needs to lose the beard. It makes him look super old. And that's ridic. I mean it's George Clooney for christs sake. He's a goddamn american idol. And I could watch the 'Oceans' movies over and over again. No. Seriously. We watched 'Ocean's 13' like 4 times within the last 2 days alone.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T19:31:00.000-08:00

Bradley Cooper...mmmmmmmmmmm...what is not to like?

Clearly 'The Hangover' is epic and should win every award it is ever nominated for.

PS I'm irritated that Reese Witherspoon didn't care enough to put her hair up and that Penelope Cruz is too tan.

FUCKING RIGHT 'The Hangover' won for best comedy. Seriously...what comedy could have been better? I just wish that Bradley left his hair long like it was in the movie...it gives me something to grab on to in my fantasies.

SHUT UP. You do it too.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T19:16:00.001-08:00

Wow...how much did I love Ricky Gervais's comment about Mel Gibson's DUI. The man has balls. Classic.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T18:52:00.000-08:00

Why does Tyler Laughtners tux look shiny? He's still dreamy. PS 500 Days of Summer was written by a dude from Margate, NJ which is where my Uncle Billy lives. This means that we want it to win.

On a random note I love Chloe Sebeigny...sjfgksjdflka I can't spell it. She won for Big Love. I LOVE HER...but not her dress. I also love Jennifer Goodwin...she was amazing in Walk the Line.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T18:41:00.000-08:00

I would like to talk about Jennifer Garners hair. Her dress is amazing she looks friggin fab...however her hair is a tragic hot mess. It's a little 80'sriffic...right? Who approved that hair? Who actually told her that it looked red carpet ready? She should fire that person. I would have told her that it looked ridic. She should hire me to approve her hair-do's for red carpet events. I would be awesome. Right?

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T18:22:00.000-08:00

Is Drew Barrymore wearing christmas garland on her shoulder and hip? Aside from that...I love her ass. And kudos for recognizing Monique for her speech. It was damn good.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

Meryl FUCKING Streep. She looks so much like Neen that I can't get excited for anyone else. She's hilarious and timeless. Now I love her...but not her dress...

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T17:51:00.000-08:00

How amazing does Christina look?!!! So classy and polished!! Love her.

PS. why is it so hard for the winners to get to the stage? Who the hell did the floor plan? What a crock.

GLOBE GAB

2010-01-17T17:38:00.000-08:00

Is anyone else bothered by Julianna Margulieslkdjlak (can't spell it) hair? It's annoying. I want to put it behind her ears in the WORST WAY. I am also not a fan of the dress. Blech. Her hair is a HOT MESS.

More Globe Gab

2010-01-17T17:25:00.000-08:00

Why isn't Paul McCartney reading from the teleprompter? It's distracting.

Bobby totally picked UP to win for best animated film...I on the other hand wanted Coraline or Cloudy/Meatballs.

It's Globe night my little mother fuckers

2010-01-17T17:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight is the Golden Globes. And because I like to pretend that I'm famous...or that my opinion matters I fully intend to blog throughout the broadcast about what everyone is wearing and who won blah blah blah. I didn't watch any of the red carpet so I haven't seen any of the dresses yet. Here are my random thoughts so far:

I'm pissed that the girl from Twilight didn't win the supporting actress globe

Ricky Gervais is hilarious

Monique has back cleavage but her acceptance speech was heartfelt

Jim Parsons looks ADORABLE...however his co-presenter's dress looks like an outdated prom dress

I friggin love Lloyd from Entourage...awww NPH looked really sad that he didn't win

stay tuned for more random ravings that really don't matter but I don't give a rats ass...SUCK IT

That Cymbalta commercial...

2010-01-14T06:21:00.000-08:00

It makes me want to kill myself a little. Right? Before I smartened up and got on anti-depressants (thanks AF) I would watch this commercial. I would rewind it and watch it over and over (gotta love tivo) and just stare at the tv screen. I think the music is what does it. Sooo depressing. I wonder if someone that was really depressed...I mean REALLY stuck in the 'dark place'...has ever watched this commercial and tried to kill themselves. I mean, it's possible right? Do you think they would have a valid argument (if the attempt was unsuccessful) to sue the company? I can't think of another commercial for anti-depressants that even comes close to being as bad. How cute was the little Zoloft blob that hopped around on the tv screen?! That commercial didn't make me want to slit my wrists. Nope. I wanted to pick the little blob up and put him in my pocket and give him little smooches.

I'm ridiculous. I know.

Proof that slacking is rewarding...

2010-01-12T10:13:00.000-08:00

What's up BITCHES?! This chick just got another blog award from my girl Apryl over at aprylsmindshowers.blogspot.com.

Apparently I have to list 10 things about myself that I have not previously revealed and nominate 7 of my fellow bloggers that I think are worthy. I'm drunk with power right now. It's ridic. Here we go...

1. I say that I hate snow and act all pissed off when I hear there is supposed to be a storm coming, but I secretly LOVE IT.
2. I wish I was pregnant right fucking now.
3. I'm totally taking a poop as I type this. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DON'T TAKE YOUR LAPTOP TO THE BATHROOM.
4. I wonder if I will ever find a job that I love as much as the one I was fired from in july.
5. A big part of me wishes that I sucked it up after college and did the starving artist thing in NYC.
6. I HATE the small town mentality where I live.
7. I am terrified that I won't be able to get pregnant when I actually want to.
8. I have never seen Scarface but I make fun of people who haven't seen The Godfather.
9. I might be the LEAST domestic person I know.
10.I've totally been slacking in the blogging department and people actually yell at me to get it together and post something.

Now I know that I'm supposed to nominate 7 of my fellow bloggers...but due to my recent lack of blogging activity, I feel a little out of touch. Once I get familiar with my favorite bloggers again I'll nominate my 7 favs.

Florida Movie Montage

2010-01-06T13:23:00.000-08:00

Here are some videos from our trip to Disney. NOW QUIT HARASSING ME BAXTER!

Looking for a job makes me angry

2010-01-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

I'm unemployed. We know this. I've enjoyed collecting unemployment from my future father-in-law...really I have...Oh, didn't I mention the father-in-law thing? Not allowed to talk about it.

I've been actively searching for a job ever since I was laid off. I even went on an interview a few weeks after I was laid off because it seemed like something I would be really good at...even though I had 6 months of unemployment ahead of me. I've been on several interviews since...nope...nothin. I try to check the classifides every day. Once in a while I see something that is interesting and apply for it. 99% of the time I never hear back...or eventually get an email stating that they got my resume blah blah blah but hired someone else. FUCK OFF. Once I scored an interview with a company that I had ties to from my old job. I even had a sparkling letter of recommendation from the father in law...still didn't get the job. SERIOUSLY?! At the time I felt like if I couldn't get that job, no one would hire me.

Here's a dose of reality. Since I have been a 'grown up', I've always lived paycheck to paycheck. This is NOT how I pictured my life. As a kid, I NEVER saw my parents struggle with money. My brother and I always had what we needed plus a BUTTLOAD more. In my dancing days my monthly tuition alone was like $200, that doesn't include dance shoes, costumes, competition fees blah blah blah. When I saw the way that my family was, I assumed that everyone's family worked the same way. This meant that I figured I would always have money to pay my bills, plus extras for fancy schmancy stuff. Not so much.

Lets get back on track here. I'm unemployed. I look for a job almost every day. When I get on the classified websites and search for a job the only bullshit that comes up are work from home scams, medical profession jobs, fucking US Army positions and horseshit minimum wage jobs at the local fast food shack. SERIOUSLY?! I feel like I'm trained for nothing. Am I the only one who feels this way? Ok...so maybe I majored in theatre in college and that isn't exactly the ideal career path when you live in central BFE PA. Looking for a job just makes me angry. Then I talk shit to Bobby about how I hate everything when I really don't. Grrr. HATE HATE HATE.

PS, it's fucking cold in PA.

Screw those other parks...just go to Hollywood Studios

2009-12-31T15:34:00.000-08:00

Today we went to Hollywood Studios, which was by far the highlight of this trip so far. The park didn't seem as crowded, it wasn't a HUGE pain in the ass to get food, there were rides that London wanted to go on that me and Bobby wanted to go on too...awesome. Here's some pics:

London's favorite ride...LOVED IT

Beauty and the Beast performance.

Londons new tattoo!! Before the lady put it on her, London asked if it was permanent and if it would hurt.

Main Street.

This was during Beauty and the Beast. It would have been like the best picture ever...but London is missing an eye.

Muppet Vision 3D...good shit.

You figure this one out. She's obsessed with all of these stitch stuffed animals, but she doesn't watch the cartoon on the Disney Channel. She's a tard.

Stay tuned tomorrow for a video of the super amazing house that we've been staying in this week.

HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHES!

Face Painting Caught on Tape

2009-12-29T16:26:00.000-08:00

Here's the video of London getting her face painted as a 'Desert Queen' in the Animal Kingdom yesterday.

She totally fell asleep before I could wipe it off.

Day 2 at the parks

2009-12-29T14:40:00.000-08:00

Today was Magic Kingdom day and all 3 girls had princess makeovers. Here are some pics of London:

Mid makeover. I felt bad for the hair lady...London has a BUTTLOAD of hair on her head.

Crowns and wands for all the princesses. Those poor bastards who didn't bring a princess dress and shoes with them had to spend a million dollars in the boutique for a dress.

Here's my little burka baby. It was friggin freezin in the park today and London was cold, so I wrapped her up in my scarf. Too cute.

We were in line at the Haunted Mansion in this pic. Really cute ride. She got mad at me when I would try to dance with her in the line and tell me to stop. CHRIST. I thought she was too young to get embarrassed by mommy...

I was attempting to get the Haunted Mansion in the pic behind us...not so much.

And here is all 3 of us on our way to leave the park after attempting to get on Space Mountain for the 2nd time. The effing wait time was 2 god damn hours. EFF THAT.

It's Disney Bitches

2009-12-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

I'm in Florida with Bobby's family this week. I'm planning on taking pics each day and posting them at night. Mainly so my family can see them back in NJ and not have to wait for me to get home and post everything. (You too Baxter).

Today we went to the Animal Kingdom. The weather was GORGEOUS, sunny and warm/cool. The lines were long. We were lucky enough to only have to wait about an hour to get on the safari. Just after we got off the ride the wait time jumped to 2 hours. THAT BLOWS! So here are some pics of today's adventure. FYI we put in a solid 8 1/2 hours at the park. Yeah. I wanted to kill myself a little.

On line for the safari. We're all bright eyed and bushey tailed...since it's the first ride.

Hello there Mr. Giraffe. I hear you have a purple tongue.

Running amuck in Dinoland. A word to the wise...DON'T EVER GO TO THE PLAYGROUND in Dinoland. That is, unless you are looking for a way to have your child abucted. Seriously, it's a parents nightmare.

Watching the parade on Bobby Daddy's shoulders. This was shortly before she looked at me and said, 'I'm bored and cold, can we go?'. Classic.

...and here we have Princess Poopypants. Love the facepaint. It dries and doesn't smudge...lucky for my sweatshirt.

Me and my baby girl!!!

Me and my Bobby. Eat your heart out BAXTER.

Stay tuned tomorrow for another installment of vacation pics. Tomorrow we do the Magic Kingdom and the ladies have an appointment at the Bibbidy, Bobbidy Boutique compliments of Meem!!

A sad day...

2009-12-23T13:54:00.000-08:00

I have a cousin who lives in Michigan with her family. This family includes her husband and their twin girls. This cousin, we'll call her 'Samantha', had a tremendously hard time getting pregnant and had to resort to fertility treatments. After many upsets she became pregnant with multiples. She ended up delivering extremely early, having 2 girls and a little boy. Apparently God had much bigger plans for the little boy and he passed away in the hospital. The two little girls are adorable and doing well, but not without some problems due to being premature.

I'm not quite sure of the details of the second pregnancy, but from what I can remember, it was a completely normal pregnancy for 'Samantha'. She and her husband were very much looking forward to a normal pregnancy, followed by a normal delivery and bringing their new baby home shortly there after. Unfortunately for them, this didn't happen. The baby boy was born with something called Joubert Syndrome and remained in the NICU for just over 100 days. I really don't know much about the disorder, but I think it has largely to do with the muscles. The baby wasn't able to gain control of his muscles and act the way a normal baby his age should act. They had been to many doctors and specialists, therapy, support groups...and seemed to be making it thru. I can't even begin to imagine what day to day life was like for them. He wasn't able to eat on his own, and had to be fed thru a tube. There were several times when he stopped breathing and 'Samantha' had to revive him. Can you imagine? I can't.

He was born in October of 2008 and passed away yesterday. Please say a prayer for him and his family. They also have a blog that I've mentioned before. What a crappy time of year to have something like this happen.

A Glutton for Punishment

2009-12-23T05:41:00.001-08:00

She loves when we make fun of her...don't let her fool you.

Keystone Retarded

2009-12-21T07:21:00.001-08:00

This is what happens when we go to New Jersey.

The Day After Tomorrow

2009-12-17T07:36:00.000-08:00

What is the day after tomorrow you ask? NEXT TO NORMAL BITCHES!! Holy crap. I'm so damn excited. Downloaded the cast recording from iTunes. Listening to it non stop. What? Like you didn't already know that I am a huge loser.

I'm a little nervous about making the trains. We're leaving from dirty jerz at 10:00ish which puts us in the city at 11:45. Then we have a couple of hours to dick around the city and eat/shop. The show starts at 2:00 and is about 2 1/2 hours. We'll have to haul ass back to penn station to make the train home for a yummy christmas dinner. I thought it would be fun to make it an ugly christmas sweater dinner, but realized that it's friggin hard to find ugly christmas sweaters. So...it's going to be a christmas pajama dinner. I got bobby hilarious grinch jammies and London has these adorable footy pj's that Min got for her. Good times.

Wish me luck. Hopefully I don't get run over by a taxi or punched in the face by a New Yorker.

There are so many things that I should be doing right now. Like laundry, taking the garbage out, getting in the tub, finishing the new Stephen King (PS, friggin awesome read. Kinda long, but totally worth it), repairing the present that was wrapped beautifully until the dogs were wrestling. You know. Lots of crap. It's really hard to get off the couch. Not to mention that I found this friggin AWESOME website with all of these super dorky games. All FREE. Totally addicting I've been procrastinating for a good 2 hours now. DAMN YOU INTERNET.

Movie Review

2009-12-14T21:56:00.000-08:00

So I just got done watching 'Crash'. You know, that movie with Don Cheadle, Matt Dillon, Thandie Newton and a whole bunch of other super famous people. It won oscars and crap, so I figured since I'm not sleepy and Bobby is in bed because he has to get up at the ass crack of dawn for work, I would watch it.

For the record, I was a theatre major in college. I had to take all kinds of crazy classes that taught me all about acting, acting for television/film and things of that nature. It almost ruined me for movie watching. I'm always obsessed with random things when I watch a movie. Like, 'I wonder how many takes it took to get that shot', and 'What kind of fucked up prep did that actor have to do in order to feel that emotion and make it believeable'. I'm ridic. This we know. I need to have closure with all themes and characters in a movie or tv show. Without this, I'm irritated. Because of all the success of this particular movie, I wasn't concerned. Little did I know how wrong I was.

I enjoy a shiny happy ending. Or a hugely tragic and tear-jerking ending. Pick one. Either way, I'm on board. As I settle into the movie there are many moments when I gasp and put my hand over my mouth. For example: SPOILER ALERT, when the little girl gets 'shot', or when the wife of the studio exec is almost blown up, and when the schmarmy (is that even a word) fell down the stairs. I was 'involved' with the characters. That's what a good movie is supposed to do. It's supposed to pull you in and make you emotionally attached to the actors. There were so many tragic events in this movie that I didn't know my ass from my elbow. Needless to say, I was expecting a big finish.

Here are too ridiculously opposite endings. Take 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', the Johnny Depp version. This is your classic shiny happy ending. LOVE IT. Then there's 'Steel Magnolia's' or 'Titanic'. Horribly tragic and tear jerking. At the end of 'Crash' there is no resolution. NONE. The schmarmy wife still has a terrible marriage, the father of the little girl is staring out the window waiting for someone else to take a shot, and the wife of the studio exec still has not resolved her battle with the hubby about the molestation with the cop. SERIOUSLY. What am I supposed to take away from this movie. I totally understand that it's about racism of all kinds and how people react to it. It's also about how we're all connected. I get it. It's an extremely valid and important issue. But it leaves WAY too many loop holes. Maybe I'm retared and totally missing the point. Am I the only one that feels this way?

Thanks Pappy Pat!!

2009-12-14T12:15:00.000-08:00

Saturday morning we had a mini Christmas photo shoot with the little ladies and teeny man. It NEVER gets old having a professional photographer in the family. Bobbys step dad (AKA Pappy Pat) is a photographer. SWEET.

I love the outtakes.

Like I said, LOVE the outtakes.

She's amazing...and so is the rest of the band

2009-12-12T19:25:00.000-08:00

Horror in the YMCA parking lot

2009-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

After a quick Christmas photo shoot with Pappy Pat (DAMNIT I just spilled iced tea on my boobs), Maddy, Abby and Dawson we hauled ass to Londons tumbling class at the YMCA. As we're walking thru the parking lot, trying to avoid busting ass on the ice, I notice a couple that is walking in front of us. The first thing that hit me, well not so much hit me as PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE, was the amount of cologne that the dude was wearing. Seriously. It was like a 12 year old boy at the eight grade dance. Wow. So that got my attention. My eyes then wander to the chick that's walking with him. Holy balls. It's amazing, scary and hilarious all at the same time. Let me start out by saying she actually had really nice healthy blonde hair. It looked really thick and well taken care of. Ok. Let me paint you a little picture. With the exception of her bangs the rest of it was super super super straight...except for the ends. They were rounded under. You know, like we did in the early 90's. Alright, I can live with that. It's the bangs. THE BANGS for the love of God. They were the most perfectly sculpted 'structure' that I have ever seen. Not only does she have the bangs poofed, she also had SIDE BANGS. You know what I'm talking about. The slightly longer bangs on either side of the face that seem like a good idea when the hairdresser styles them, but then you get home and wish that you told her to leave them long and not cut them. Yeah. Gorgeous. It was fairly breezy outside, but do think that those bangs budged? Of course not. Not one bit. It's safe to say that at least half a bottle of hair spray was used. Not only was it immune to any type of weather, it was FLAWLESS. If you can remember back to the days of poof bangs, the goal was to create a style that had absolutely no holes in it and was perfectly symmetrical. This work of art started at her ear on one side of her head and went clear over to the other side of her head, ending at her other ear. It was a tiara of hair...and it was AMAZING.

SNOW DAY!!

2009-12-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

Today we are enjoying Londons first snow/sleet/ice day from school. BRING ON THE LAZINESS!

Snow and the retard

2009-12-05T20:21:00.000-08:00

I am the owner of a 10 month old pitbull. Her name is Lola. She's fucking adorable. Her face has more personality than most humans. She's not smart. But...like I always say...she's a dog. I don't need her to do math problems. I love big dogs. Little dogs are stupid. Like my moms dog, Heidi. She's a mini schnauzer/westie mix. She has the most annoying dog that I have EVER met. Her bark is not a bark at all. It's more of a shrill scream. It cuts right through you. Sometimes I want to step on her head. WHAT? You would too. She's that annoying. I'm getting off topic here.

I love my dogs. They drive me nuts...but I love them. I don't know where all of you are, but I'm in central pennsylvania....and it's december. Know what that means? Friggin buck season and snow. Bobby has been at hunting camp ALL GOD DAMN WEEK and I've been kicking it at home with London and the circus animals. We woke up this morning and, surprise surpsrise, it's snowing. As on every saturday morning, I'm sound asleep and London crawls into bed with me and demands that cartoons be put on the tv. We lay in bed. She watches cartoons and I sleep. Good times. Eventually, we get up. I mean, our only priority today was to go to a christmas parade downtown. Why not be lazy and sleep in?

So I get up and go downstairs to let the doggies out. I open the door and Layla runs outside...so does Lola. Until she gets out from under the carport and the snow starts to hit her in the face. She walks a few steps...until her little puppy paws are stomping on snow. She freaks out. I mean, COMPLETELY freaks out and runs back thru the door. That shit can't handle the snow. She hates the snow. She WILL NOT go outside and pee or crap because there is snow on the ground. She hates it so much that she took a dump on my umbrella, which was laying on the floor next to the door.

As I mentioned earlier, she's not smart. And apparently has absolutely no memory. As soon as she would come inside from yet another failed attempt at going outside and I would sit down on the couch...she would start hovering by the door again. SERIOUSLY? Damnit. So this went on pretty much all day. Grrrrrr.

Finally I had enough. It was about 9:30pm. She hadn't gone outside for me all day. And she was still doing laps near the door. I walk to the door and grab the leash. Hook her on. Take her outside. Have you ever seen a pitbull spaz out? It's both hilarious and annoying. She would only walk on the pavement. And when her little puppy pads touched the snow or ice she would completely freak out. I had to drag her ass onto the snow covered grass and practically demand that she take a pee. Did she poop? Of course not. I'm pretty sure that I'll be woken up at 2:00am to the scent of CRAP. Awesome.

Guilty Pleasures

2009-12-04T21:04:00.000-08:00

I friggin love 'Sons of Anarchy'. Jacks is totally dreamy. His girlfriends name is Tara...Fate? Totally. I don't watch faithfully. But we have the series on demand. So since Bobby has been at camp all week (effin camp) I decided that I was going to catch up on the series.

I'm approximately minutes into the first of the new episodes that I haven't watched yet. Tara and Jacks are having a conversation and she's all crazy telling him that she got suspended from the hospital, and she needs to know if their relationship is going somewhere and she wants a kid or 2 or 3. I'm totally almost falling of my chair because I think their totally gonna make out and do the dirty dirrrrrrrty...and ........NOTHIN. Cut to another scene.

I'M PISSED.

Am I the only crazy person in the world? Keeping in mind that I haven't seen the next episode. There may be a post later on totally retracting this post...........BUT for now...I'M PISSED.

Blaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh blah

2009-12-02T06:21:00.000-08:00

I don't want to get dressed
I really want a bacon egg and cheese from Mickey D's
Is it necessary to put on a bra when taking your cat to the vet?
I HATE early dismissal wednesdays
mmmmmmmm scallops and filet mignon tonight...HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUTURE SIS IN LAW (well ,on friday)
Why won't my ipod hold a charge?
I need to do laundry, I don't want to do laundry, someone come do my laundry
It's official, I CANNOT sleep without a fan on. Not for the cooling breeze it provides...for the steady static noise....ahhhhhhhhh
SIGN THE FUCKING DIVORCE PAPERS ALREADY. My being divorced is exponentially MORE important than fucking buck season
I think I want a hashbrown too...ooooooo and a diet coke
I can't remember the last time I shaved my legs
I miss Bobby, camp is stupid
Yay Bobby is staying home tonight...BALLS but then he'll be gone til Sunday
I thought I was going to be offered a job this week...now, not so sure
I'm still PISSED at my future father in law, but not really allowed to talk about it...this BLOWS
I'm totally listening to a piano only instrumental version of Paramore's RIOT
Do I have any clean underwear?
I'll totally get in trouble for the father in law comment at dinner tonight...sorry...not deleting it
It smells like snow today
I am not a fan of people who pretend to be happy when they really are miserable. It must be exhausting.
Remember watermelon jolly ranchers?? I would totally pick them all out of the bag and leave the stupid grabe and sour apple for those poor bastards who came after me
Right now I should be: getting dressed, brushing my teeth, at the drive thru at Mickey D's, wrestling my circus kitty into her carrier, pep-talking the baby to not poop in her crate while mommy and cindel are at the vet.

DAMNIT...does anyone have a cure for prorastination? Did I even spell that right.

Leave some comments bitches...I'm bored.

"You asked the president of your college to say WHAT?!"

2009-12-01T12:10:00.000-08:00

About a million years ago, I was in college in a crappy little town in central PA. I was a theatre major. Yeah, that worked out well. But it was friggin awesome. I loved performing. Hell, I had been doing it since I was like 3 yrs old. At some point during my 4 years of college I took a womans studies class with this crotchety old professor who HATED men. I think I was a senior, but I can't remember. The class itself was pretty boring. Lots of man bashing blah blah blah, I don't remember much about the class...except for the production of Eve Enslers 'Vagina Monologues'.

Of course I volunteered to be a part of it. Now, this play is basically consists of a bunch of monologues about...the va jay jay, orgasisms, traumatic experiences and so on. I was the lucky lady chosen to recite one of the more controversial pieces entitled, 'Reclaiming the Word'. This little gem is about once of the more racy nicknames for your cooch. Yup. The C Word. It deals with the stigma that people are afraid to use this word and don't like it. I, myself, am not a fan of the word. But it was soooo fucking fun to perform this monologue that I didn't care. The harshest thing about this nickname is just the way it sounds. Short. Abrupt. Abrasive. HARSH. The word is sounded out throughout the monologue...and at the end...well...that's the best friggin part.

The end of the monologue attempts to drag the audience into the show, by helping them become more comfortable with saying the word. We were lucky enough to have a packed house for each show. But I only remember one of the performances, that's because President Douthat was in the audience and I'm pretty sure his wife and teenage daughter were with him. They are big fans of the arts. His daughter was even involved in one of our summer shows. To consider the performance successful, I had to get the ENTIRE audience to chant CUNT along with me. Flash to me staring at the back row of the center section where President Douthat and his family were sitting. I watched them scream CUNT along with me and the rest of the theatre. Friggin awesome moment. It went a little something like this:

Ok...so our theatre was much smaller than this one and can't fit nearly as many people...but the feeling was still the same. Seriously...where else are you told by teachers to swear at the top of your lungs and try to get EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU to do the same. It's hard to top something like that.

The big reveal

2009-11-29T16:09:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned earlier, we found out my sister in law, JFJ, is preggers over the holiday. My mom and I had VERY different reactions. Take a look:

I could have done without the retarded Star Wars sound effects at the end, but whatev? I totally wish I would have had a little warning that I was going to be on friggin camera. I wouldn't have walked out into the dining room with my face lotion in my hand and I would have brushed my hair after I got out of the shower. Oh well. That shit is pretty funny.

I wish she would sing me a lullabye

2009-11-28T19:51:00.000-08:00

This is my current favorite band EVER. This is a cover they did of Kings of Leon's hit song.

Hayley's voice is fucking amazing. They did a session with mtv's Unplugged but I haven't been able to find it on itunes. Can you imagine them in concert? I would crap my pants.

Holla for Diarrhea Factory

2009-11-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

As some of you know, my brother makes these hilarious home movies and posts them on youtube. Here's a little window into the retarded world of my mom:

This blog post has been brought to you by my bro, Ry:

Gobble Gobble Gobble

2009-11-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Turkey Day BITCHES!! I'm sitting here in the den at my parents house in jerz, just relaxin. It's been a fairly hilarious trip thus far. We (me and London) got here on Tuesday afternoon. We went right to my brothers house and hung out with him and the muffin man.

When my parents got done with work they came over to Ry's and we had burgers and dogs for dinner. Nothing too exciting. Wednesday afternoon me and London went to the grocery store to get the stuff I needed to make my buffalo chicken dip. Mmmmmmmm...yummmmm. I'm a jackass. I wasn't smart enough to realize that Shoprite would be an absolute CIRCUS on the wednesday before Thanksgiving. Not to mention the fact that I have no idea where anything is in that grocery store...it friggin took forever to find everything. Finally, we get done shopping and head over to my brothers to make the dip. It came out pretty damn good if I do say so myself. Hung out a little more. Played some mariokart on the wii. Then went back to my parents to get ready for dinner.

We had planned on ordering chinese for dinner. We usually do this the night before Turkey Day. Bobby had left work at like 3:00 and was going to arrive around 6:30, so we planned for a late dinner. One of my oldest and dearest friends was going to come over and visit...and she was bringing her new boyfriend. You're all familiar with her. She was part of the 'Fab 3'.

She's the one on the left. Thanks to Facebook we reconnected about a year ago. She was such a HUGE part of my teenage life. We practically lived at eachothers houses during the summers and our families considered nationals (the final competition of the year in july) a big fat family vacation. These are some of my favorite memories. She's a gem.

So we ordered chinese. Bobby finally made it to my parents and we sat down to eat. In the meantime my mom was making the pumpkin pie for thanksgiving dinner. London was all about trying to help. Mom was getting ready to smoosh down the crust (which...she makes from scratch with the help of my dad) and took off her wedding rings so they wouldn't get all gooked up. While all of this was happening, I was downstairs searching thru old VHS tapes for random dance competitions and recital rehearsals. As I was doing this, London comes downstairs and hangs out in the Disney Princess Tent that Mimi and Pop got for her like a year ago. Then Ry comes downstairs and asks London if she knows what happened to Mimi's ring. Apparently, mom went to put her rings back on and her engagement ring was missing. Long story short...it ended with me going to mom's office thanksgiving morning and looking thru all the garbage cans. FYI my mom works for an ORAL FUCKING SURGEON. Gross. But...if we could find the ring...it would all be justified. Needless to say...the search continues. We'll find it...someday. I can't imagine the stress and sadness my mom feels right now. I know that I would feel absolutely devastated if I lost my ring. Which is why I volunteered to search thru gross bloody garbage with her on thanksgiving morning. It was really quite hilarious. As I was sitting in one room searching thru the garbage (with gloves on of course) and she was in another toom, I yelled, " THIS IS AWESOME, WE SHOULD DO THIS EVERY THANKSGIVING." Humor is always the best way to pad a serious situation.

To backtrack a little, we had an awesome time with my old friend and her boyfriend. He was adorable, and from what I can tell...totally good for her.

Thanksgiving dinner was delish. I can NEVER get enough of my moms mashed taters and gravy. If I could eat mashed potatoes and gravy every day of my life I would be a happy camper. But dinner wasn't the high point of the day. Me and London had been in jerz since tuesday but JFJ had been working all the time so we hadn't spent any time with her. Just my bro and the muffin man. Needless to say I was excited to spend some time with my sister in law on turkey day. When they got to my parents house I was in the shower. Bobby poked his head in and told me that they had just gotten there. My response was:

"Oh. Ok. I'm in the shower."

You know...because I'm a smart ass. So I hurried up and got dressed. Once I was out of the shower and half dressed Bobby asked me again, if I was almost ready. I thought nothing of it. He's always there to keep me moving, and try to make me on time for whatever. I had my clothes on, smushed some face lotion in my hand and walked into the dining room...

At this point I notice that everyone is standing in the room. Including my mom, who has just gotten out of the shower and still has a wet head. I direct my attention to the Muffin Man. As I always do. I only get to see him every couple of months and I try to maul him as much as possible. My eyes are immediately drawn to his shirt. It says:

"BIG BROTHER 2 BE"

I completely lose my mind and freak out. My sister in law is pregnant again. HOLY SHITBALLS. This means another muffin child!!! Meanwhile, my brother totally captures this on video. I'll totally post the video as soon as he uploads it. It's ridic. I'm struck with so many emotions in this one moment. I'm completely happy and excited for them. I can't wait to kiss this new babys' face. I'll be obsessed with checking on my sisters progress. I'm jealous that it's not me. I can't wait to get pregnant so the cousins can be close in age and form a bond like Bobby and his cousin Josh have. I'm MAD that it's not me. I'm jealous of the movement of life that JFJ gets to feel. I'm pissed that I live 4 hours away from them. I can't wait to get that phone call that it's a girl (or boy...but I totally think it's a girl).

Any way you slice it...it was the most amazing thanksgiving I've experienced. There's another baby on the way to be part of the family. A dear friend of the family (who lost her beloved son to brain cancer) once said, "Babies are always welcome." She was right. Babies are always a blessing...mine, Ry's, G's, puppies...all babies. I just hope that me and Bobby are the next to break the news...

TURKEY DAY!!!

2009-11-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving to one and all. I'm still in jerz and working on a hilarious post. Hope everyone enjoyed the day and are ready for some serious Black Friday shopping.

Talk tomorrow...

Listen Uterus...

2009-11-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

So tomorrow morning we (me and London) head off to dirty jerz for the holiday. Bobby has to work BBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and can't leave to join us until he's done with work on wednesday. Than the poor thing has to leave Thanksgiving Day night to head back home so he can go to work on Friday.

Naturally, as with any trip to jerz, I expect my uterus to protest. However, it would be ABSOLUTELY ridiculous this time, considering I just finished all the menstruation like 3 days ago. We shall see...

So here's the plan...hoping to leave here by 10:00am, getting to jerz by like 2:00. Going straight to Uncle Ry's house to hang out and maul the muffin man. For the rest of the week just hanging out, trying to finish the new Stephen King (soooooo good), eating, drinking, laughing, visiting with some old old friends and SHOPPING!!!

Talk to everyone from my moms dining room table in dirty jerz...

Random Shizzzzzzzz

2009-11-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

I've been totally MIA this week. Here's the quick and dirty:

I got roped into doing the makeup for the local high school production of 'Alice in Wonderland'. This is show week. (Tonight was the last show) So basically every day, sometimes starting at 3:00, I would be up there painting circus animal faces.

I love these kids. I always have soooo much fun with them. Here's a funny/gross anectode from last nights makeup session. I usually bring London with me to do the makeup. She usually hangs out in the bandroom (across the hall from where I do the makeup) and plays with her friends and draws on the chalkboard. After I had finished my last face, I walked across the hall to tell her to get her stuff together because we were leaving in a few minutes. She tells me that her tummy hurts. This is pretty typical. Sometimes its just a sneaky way to get me to say 'What would make it feel better?', to which she replies, 'A popsicle.' She's no dummy. So I asked her how come her belly hurt. She answers that she thinks she drank too much soda. I give her my canned answer of, 'Ok babe, just calm yourself and we'll go home and take a rest.' I get an, 'Ok mommy' and I walk back across the hall to gather my stuff. She comes into the classroom and says that her belly hurts again...and adds an, 'I don't feel very good'. Uh oh. She starts to cough. Nothing strange about that. She's had a cold and a mild cough. Until I see stuff start to come out of her mouth. Yup. Barfaroo on the floor. So I do what any mom would have done. I grab her under the armpits and haul ass to the nearest garbage can...where she proceeds to barf some more. Poor little thing. I felt sooo bad for her. I wanted to trade places with her. God bless all my little circus animals. They ran all over the place to get paper towels, my phone, a bag for the car in case she felt sick on the way home. One of them even held the bag open for me to put the barfy paper towels in when I was cleaning up the floor. Like I said...they are such good kids.

I get her home and up in bed. Bobby takes her coat and puts it in the washer, cause she got some barf on it. I got a bucket to put next to her bed and I stayed with my little lovie until she fell asleep. Right before she fell asleep she says this to me:

"Hey mom. You know what was funny about my barf"

"What honey?"

"It was pink."

I almost peed my pants. You hafta love her.

Anywhoooooo...I brought my camera with me tonight so I could get some pics of my handy work. I forgot to mention that last night (before all the barf) one of the older kids, we shall call him Freshee, kidnapped my phone and took a bunch of pictures with it. Some of them were pretty funny. He made this one the wallpaper on my home screen:

The 2 on the ends were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb in the show. The kid in black was one of the playing cards in the Queens court and the lovely lady is actually a graduate from last year who was home from college for the weekend.

That pic was from last night. Again, tonight, he stole my phone when I wasn't looking. Ordinarily, this would be no big deal to me. But since London was home sick with Bobby, I wanted to have my phone just in case Bobby needed to get a hold of me for something. So I had to negotiate with him to trade the phone for my camera. BAD IDEA. Behold:

Yeah. Luckily I caught him in the act of attempting to shove the camera down his pants, and yelled at him before I could get arrested for having inappropriate pics of a minor.

Tomorrow we have an early Turkey Day with Bobby's mom and sisters. I have a job interview Monday at 4:00 and then Tuesday it's off to Dirty Jerz with London. I'm totally yanking her out of school to go visit Mimi and Pop. My brother took the whole week off from work so we're going to drink beer and play nintendo all week. Plus I get to maul the muffin man for like 4 whole days. We're coming back sometime on Saturday and then on Sunday we go down to camp for the annual day before buck season dinner. Here's my favorite little tid bit that I saved for last...ASSFACE IS GOING TO SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS ON MONDAY!!!!!!!!!!! Fucking RIGHT!! It's about god damn time. Now to plan a wee little tiny wedding with Bobby and immediately get pregnant. We can't friggin wait!!!!

An ode to childhood, Part I

2009-11-18T12:30:00.000-08:00

Remember how awesome Saturday morning TV was when we were kids? This was probably the only time in my life that I willingly woke up early. I've come up with a list of some of my favorites. Have a look:

I was completely obsessed with Penny's computer-book-thing. I'm pretty sure I asked for one for Christmas.

Me and my brother friggin LOVED this how. How awesome are Nannies stockings?! Didn't she think it was weird that all her 'kids' were animals or muppet-like creatures? Stupid bitch.

Love love love this show. Although my favorite episodes were when the Chipettes were on. Did you see the commercials for the next Chipmunks movie with the Chipettes?! Omg they sing 'Single Ladies'! Funny shit.

Holy crap. Are you friggin kidding me?! Awesome show. Those earrings?! COME ON!! What girl didn't want a pair of those bad boys? I kind of loved the Misfits though. I think I liked their clothes better sometimes.

I know this one isn't as well known as some of the others...I friggin loved it. How about this next one? I think they were next to eachother in the line-up...

I think both of these are from the UK. Ok...back to some more well known TV shows.

Ummmm...HELLO??!! 'Blue skies, barfy burgers, GIRLS!' Remember this awesome crap! Alanis Morrissette was totally on this show. How about Moose and Alistair? It was made in Canada and all the kids totally had hilarious Canadian accents. LOVE IT.

Good shit. Friggin Dave Coulier. CUT IT OUT. Loser. Wasn't the Alanis song 'You Oughta Know' written about him? Gross. Why would she date that guy?

Ok, so maybe some of these aren't Saturday morning cartoons. Whatev. Here's some more randoms:

Totally wanted to be Clarissa when I was a kid. She had the coolest clothes. I think I was obsessed with the phone she had in her bedroom. It was like an old school phone with crap glued all over it. I'm a weirdo. Whatever happened to all the actors in this show (with the exception of Melissa Joan Hart) My brother still calls me Ferguson sometimes...well...usually TURD FERGUSON...it's kinda the same thing.

Classic. That is all.

Picture Tuesday

2009-11-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

Arrrrrrrr matey!! She thinks she's a parrot on a pirates shoulder.

Now for some Mommy snuggle time:

(Holla for the new hair!!)

She's a baby.

We're obsessed with out pets. Here's the circus kitty. She was creepin because the puppy was on the prowl:

Pay no attention to the gun on the floor. It's super old and doesn't work. We were supposed to use it in 'Beauty and the Beast' last year, but there's some law about not having guns in the high school (I mean I can understand if I brought a handgun on school property but...COME ON...it's like a million years old and IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK!) and we had to make a fake one blah blah blah. Circus Kitty is beautiful...isn't she?

Barnes & Noble was the scene of the crime

2009-11-14T17:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I finished the book of short stories by Stephen King that I was reading. I friggin love him. He's my favorite author EVER. I don't even remember how many of his novels I've read. I just love the characters he comes up with...not to mention the fucked up situations he puts them in. 'The Stand' is probably my favorite so far. It's one of his longest novels, but I friggin loved it.

Where am I going with this? Focus Tar, focus. King usually puts a blurb from an upcoming book at the end of his books. I noticed that the release date was November 2009. HELLLLLSSS YEAH!!! I had to run to State College to get kennel cough for the pups and Barnes & Noble was literally down the street. Sweet. So me and London haul our cookies over the mountain, stop at Tractor Supply for the doggy medicine (which gets shot up their noses BTW. Yeah. It wasn't pretty.) and head on over to B&N.

And there it is. Right in the doorway. Shelf upon shelf of 'Under the Dome', Kings' latest masterpiece. Done and done. That was easy. I promised London that she could pick out a book at 'the book store'. We've been there before, she loves the kids section there. We found a shelf that had all these fairytale books and each one came with a little charm necklace. Cute, right? So I'm ready to leave. I want to get home so I can start my new book. I'm a huge nerd and love to read. And this bad boy is EPIC. It's like 1100 pages. LOVE IT.

"Ok lovey, pick one."

"I CAN'T."

"Seriously, you need to pick one. It's time to go."

"I don't know which one to PPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICKKKKKKK!!"

"What about this one? It has a fairy necklace. Or OMG LOOK it's the Wizard of Oz and it has a RUBY SLIPPER NECKLACE!!!" I was totally sure that she would be like 'ok mommy, I love the Wizard of Oz.' Nope. Not a chance.

"I want to get 2. I can't decide."

"London, you need to pick 1. If you can't make a decision you're not getting anything. Now lets get it together and make a decision."

"MOMMY I CAN'T. I WANT THEM BOTH!"

"One. Two......."

This almost always works. She knows that when I get to 3 she's going to get her butt smacked. (For all you parents who don't believe in spanking...SUCK IT. I hate you.) Of course this didn't work. It only caused her to back herself up to the shelf so that I couldn't reach her bum. Little shit.

The battle continues until she's bawling, practically screaming because she can't figure out which book she wants. I've had enough. That's it. I put down my book and pick her up. Well...TRY to pick her up. She then does that arching the back thing that really pissed off little kids do which makes it super hard to pick them up and carry them. She's still screaming. Awesome. People are looking at us. I was totally waiting for and Amber Alert to sound and all the doors to slam shut because someone thinks I'm abducting a child. We finally get the the parking lot. I have my arms under armpits and wrapped around her back; her legs are hanging straight down. GREAT. If I was an onlooker, I would totally have written down my license plate and watched the news to see if any kids were kidnapped in State College.

Needless to say, she was grounded for the rest of the night. She wasn't allowed to come out of her bedroom. I would like to blame her dad. That's always my 'go to'. Too bad she had been with me all week and hadn't seen him. Am I a terrible parent? I don't think so. I may have let the B&N Stand Off go on for too long, I'm aware of that. Whatev.

...the life of a parent. I should totally have a reality show.

I fucking LOVE her

2009-11-13T17:44:00.001-08:00

2009-11-12T18:38:00.001-08:00

Is it weird that I LOVE STORMCHASERS?

A little boost from the cashier at SHEETZ

2009-11-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

After I got my little fatgirl on the bus, I went back in the house. I fed the doggies and went upstairs to watch the special features on one of our Big Bang Theory dvd's. Shut up. I'm a huge loser. I had to watch all 3 of the items on the menu to get to the gag reel, which is really the only one that I wanted to watch but since we can't find the remote for the dvd player I had to sit thru all 3.

I love gag reels. They are hilarious. I especially like the one on The Devil Wears Prada dvd. You should watch it. Anywhoo so I'm watching the Big Bang gag reel. Words can not describe the hilarity. The tears are STREAMING down my face. I'm laughing so loud that Layla (my choc lab) comes running upstairs and jumps on the bed to see what the hell is wrong with me. I'm ridic.

After I'm done peeing my pants I get dressed and head to CVS to pick up my old lady pills, then over to Sheetz for a yummy breakfast sammy and some cigs. I get up to the register and tell the girl that I need a pack of marlboro ultra lights. She then asks me for my ID. Hahah...YAY!! I have this fun game I like to play when I get carded for cigs.

"How old do you think I am?"

"Ummmm, I'd say 22."

"I love you." And I hand her my license. LOVE IT!!! She thought I was 7 years younger than I actually am. It's a fun game.

My Craptastic Luck

2009-11-11T16:53:00.000-08:00

I'm sure you're wondering why the goofy blog address. Well here's some evidence:

It was probably about a year or so ago. I was still living in the house I own with assface with London and 2 of the circus animals (Layla and Cindel, we hadn't had the bright idea of Lola yet). I think I had just got done with work and picked London up from daycare and headed home.

Ahhhhh...it's the best feeling to come home from a long day at the office and put on sweatpants and relax. We walk in the door. I put my purse down and head to the stairs. As I round the corner of the kitchen to head into the living room I see it. Laying there. Dead? I friggin hope it's dead. Another casualty of the circus kitty. DEAD MOUSE ON MY LIVING ROOM FLOOR. Well, I guess it's better than a live one...or a half dead one. Gross. Now I have to get rid of it. So I manage to get it into a plastic bag and put it in the garage with the rest of the garbage.

After I finish combing the house for other victims, I get into my sweats and go back downstairs to start dinner for me and London. As I'm cooking (lol, if you can call it that) I go into the bathroom to grab the laundry and start a load.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

What the hell is that? Shit. Is the toilet leaking? Wait. How did the lid in the toilet get wet? THAT DAMN CAT. She's retarded and likes to play around in the toilet water. Seriously. She like swats it around and makes a mess. I guess I can overlook that since she killed a mouse today.

Hmmmmmm...but how did she manage to close the toilet lid when she was done playing? 'Look at the ceiling Tar.' YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. Sure enough, the ceiling is leaking. The effing ceiling tile is sagging and about ready to fall down. TERRIFIC. So I call Bobby...what the hell else am I supposed to do? He agrees to come up and "assess the situation".

Turns out that the leak is from the upstairs bathroom, leaking all the way down into the downstairs bathroom. Bobby shuts of the water upstairs and we figure that we'll have to have someone come out and take a look. End of story. Thank GOD I have 2 bathrooms in my house. The rest of the night is pretty much normal. I do some work on my laptop that I brought home from work, get some laundry done and go to bed.

Que the horiffic wake-up call at about 4:00am. Cramps cramps cramps. And not the 'I'm getting my period soon' cramps. These are the dreaded stomach flu cramps. I need to get to the bathroom PRONTO DE MONTO. But...oooohhhhh...that's right. Bobby had to turn off the water in the upstairs bathroom because it was leaking. That's just fucking great. So I have to haul my cookies downstairs each and every time I have to go to the bathroom. And when you're having stomach flu type stomach problems...that's a lot of trips up and down the stairs. I ended up laying on the couch in the den so I wouldn't have to walk too far. As I lay there on the couch in the fetal position I notice that my laptop is on the coffee table. BALLS. How am I going to get my laptop to the office just in case someone would need it.

I called Bobby at like 5:30am. He was sleepy voiced when he answered the phone. Sooooo cute. So I give him the run-down of my super terriffic morning thus far. And beg him to run up to my house (which is about 20 minutes away from his) to grab the laptop so he can take it to the office with him. Of course, because he's the most amazing boyfriend/fiancee EVER, he agrees to make the 20 minute trek to my house for the laptop. He gets to my house for the laptop, wishes he could stay to take care of me (I know, ADORABLE right?!), mentions that his tummy hasn't been feeling the greatest (but he always has belly problems so I brush it off) and heads to the office. About 5 minutes after his truck pulls out of the driveway, my cell phone rings and it's him.

"Hello?"

"Hey babe. I just wanted to let you know that I just barfed in your driveway."

"What?!"

"Yeah. I wanted to tell you that it was me so you weren't wondering what it was and who did it."

"Awww babe! Are you ok? Are you just going to drop off the laptop and then go home?"

"Nope. I have to get the payroll done. I'll just stick it out until I get that done and then go home."

That's right my little mother fuckers. Poor Bobby was feeling like garbage and came all the way up to my house to get the laptop. Barfed in the driveway, and then went into work to do payroll all day. I'm telling you...he's central PA's best kept secret. Apparently all the girls in this area DO NOT know a DAMN GOOD THING when they see it. FUCK 'EM. It worked out pretty damn good for me.

So let's review. I came home from work to find a dead mouse in my living room. Then discovered a massive leak from my upstairs bathroom to my downstairs bathroom and the water had to be shut off upstairs. I then wake up with the stomach flu. Can't use the upstairs bathroom; the water is shut off. Then poor Bobby gets woken up at 5:30am by me, already feels like garbage, and has to go 20 minutes out of his way to get the laptop. Then barfs in my driveway and has to go into the office with the stomach flu to do payroll. That's some craptastic luck if you ask me.

The Leopard Nightmare

2009-11-10T06:11:00.000-08:00

Since London's school pics were botched and blurry, she had retakes yesterday. She was with Assface all weekend. I usually don't allow her to stay with him on a school night, but I had to be up at the highschool at 7:30am yesterday (to help with Alice in Wonderland makeup) and didn't have a way to get her on the bus. So I asked Assface, since he was off from work yesterday, if he would mind keeping her Sunday night and taking her to school in the morning. Fine. He could do that. Great. One less thing for me to worry about.

Then it dawns on me. SHITBALLS. She has retakes. So I txted him and told him about the pics, then asked him if he had something decent for her to wear and to make sure her hair was done nicely. 'I'm really bad at doing hair' he says. So I told him that I would stop up at her school once I was done at the high school and do her hair. Problem solved. Oh...and he had something that she could wear...

I'm up at the high school at the butt crack of dawn painting faces for the kids before they leave on a mini tour of the local elementary schools. Once I'm finished I stop at home real quick to grab some hair gummies...and an outfit to change her into...JUST IN CASE. I found her favorite purple tye dye shirt with the pink peace sign on it (it matches the pink peace sign earrings she's wearing) and grabbed a pair of pants and her sneakers...in case it was gym day...and headed off to her school.

I walk into the office and tell the lady at the desk that I'm London's mom and would like to fix her hair because she has retakes today. She calls down to her classroom and asks to have London sent to the office. After about a minute or so in walks my baby girl...looking like a trainwreck. She's wearing this:

What the hell is that, you ask? It's a fucking leopard shawl. It slips over her head and hangs off her shoulders. She's wearing a winnie the pooh shirt underneath. I FUCKING HATE WINNIE THE POOH. And her hair is in a half ponytail. Wow. Seriously? This is how I will remember her year in Kindergarten? In a god damn leopard shawl? My mother would KILL me. So I tell her that I came to fix her hair for the pics and change her clothes. Que the hysteria. Of course she doesn't want to change. 'Grammy wanted me to wear this special outfit!!' Jesus Christ. No matter how much I seperate myself from that woman, she can still piss me off. I fucking hate her. Remind me to blog about some of the ridiculous things this woman has done to me in the past. Did I mention that she divorced her husband and then remarried him?? Yeah. Trainwreck.

Needless to say, I had to drag London kicking and screaming into the bathroom and force her out of that monstrosity. I tried to bargain with her, 'You can leave the pants on. Mommy just wants to change your shirt.' But, of course, that's her favorite part of the outfit. FUCK. After many tears and struggles I manage to get her shirt changed and her hair up in ponytails. I tell her that I'll walk her back to her classroom now. Nope. She's not having it. Doesn't want me anywhere near her classroom. TERRIFFIC. And I want to have more kids?????

She missed her Daddy...

2009-11-08T16:22:00.000-08:00

Bobby stayed out a camp this weekend to do some hunting with the rest of the sausage club. I was home with the circus animals (minus London) and was recruited to help with the stage make-up for the local high schools production of Alice in Wonderland on saturday. It was fun. I got to see some of the kids that I direct during the summer. I have to be back up at the high school tomorrow morning at 7 fucking thirty AM to make up some of the kids before the visit the local elementary schools.

I pretty much hung out with myself all weekend which was nice...still missed my Bobby. The doggies were missing their daddy too. Especially the baby.

She had some special snuggle time. Look how friggin long she is?! She's still a damn puppy, she's not even a year old. So stinkin cute...and the puppys not so bad. Then Daddy got chilly...

So he covered both of them in a blankie. KEYSTONE LIGHT HOLLA. He's supposed to be taking a nap so he can stay awake for the new Family Guy and the Seth and Alex Variety Show, but he can't get comfy cause the baby is a couch hog. He tries to move her over.

Yeah...like that was going to work.

LOVE IT

2009-11-07T09:52:00.000-08:00

I know...it's really red. I fucking love it. If you don't...you can SUCK IT.

2009-11-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

PS. I got bored with my hair and dyed it red with blonde highlights today. Not that I think anyone cares (but the haters can SUCK IT), but I'll post some pics as soon as I change the batteries in my camera...because I'm lazy...

GO PENN STATE!!!!!!!!!

Gameboy Rage

2009-11-06T20:10:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the very kind words of 2 very lovely ladies, I am back with a new embarassing and hilarious tidbit from my childhood. THANKS LADIES!

As I mentioned before, I am a child of the nintendo era. We were spoiled as kids and always had the latest version of whichever nintendo had just been released and all the coolest games. I got the powerpad for christmas one year. My brother and I would sit and play for hours. Well...actually he would play and I would have to watch because he NEVER let me play. Fucker. Once in a while, when Ry wasn't around, I'd get to play some Super Mario, or California Games or Castlevania. Sometimes, and I'm not proud of it, I would get a little angry when I died. Maybe I would throw the controller or punch the floor. It was terrible.

I can't remember when my brother got his gameboy...if it was his birthday or a holiday (I'm fairly certain that he'll correct me as soon as I post this). But it was like the holy grail of all things nintendo. "You mean I can play nintendo games from the comfort of the upstairs couch or my bedroom?" That's crazy talk. SIGN ME THE FUCK UP!! So I would play it when Ry wasn't around. Mostly tetris. Then there was this one time when I was downstairs on the couch playing the gameboy...and it kind of gets a little fuzzy...

Ok...so it doesn't get fuzzy, that's a load of shit. Here's how it went down. I was playing the gameboy and I wasn't doing so hot. I died a bunch of times....and it was PISSING ME OFF. I probably had one more extra guy and was banking on him to get the job done. But...guess what? Nope. Not so much. I died. And I was PISSED. What is the only logical thing to do, you ask? That's a silly question. Of course the only thing to do is take the gameboy and bash it on your forehead until the screen cracks and you can't play anymore. Duh. Come on. That's what all the cool kids do.

But seriously...my gameboy rage got the best of me and I ruined my brothers gameboy. I'm not sure if I was more afraid of what my brother would do to me, or what my mom would do to me. It was a toss up. I'm pretty sure my brother came downstairs shortly after 'The Incident' and I was crying and telling him that I was going to kill myself. LOL. Was I seriously that scared of the grounding that my parents were going to hand out?

I'd be lying if I told you that I remember the punishment that I had to suffer as a result of my gameboy rage. I have no idea what it was. But I'm pretty sure that I thought it was the end of the world, at the time. I was a kid then. It was years before I busted a hole in the wall in the hallway, or lied about going out drinking and said I was at a friends house. My poor parents. This was only the beginning.

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